How to Play Poker at Semi by Patrick McVee

1) Bring sunglasses. These will make you look cool and other people won’t be able to read your facial expressions.

You also probably won’t be able to see, but the main point is that you’ll look cool.

2) Dress in bright colors to dazzle your competitors.

3) Practice your poker face. The people with the best poker faces look like they stayed up past midnight working on homework and are only awake because of the wonderful effects of caffeine.

(This is the classic “stressed OES student face”.)

4) Make up a fake “tell”. Everyone has a “tell”, a gesture that tells when they’re lying, but if you have a fake one it will mess with people’s minds; think something like putting your hands in your hair or scratching your chin.

Messing with people’s minds will make you feel cool, like a Bond villain, and you’ll have more confidence in your game.

5) The most important rule is: don’t show your hand to anyone.

Anyone.

Unless that person writes for the Dig, in which case they are trustworthy and kind and wonderful and would never take advantage of you.*

*You can also let us borrow your poker chips. We’ll take care of them free of charge. : )

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