“Brad come here,” said my dad from across the house, as he prepared to break the news that might change my life forever. “Brad, I’m gonna give it to you straight.” He seemed to be holding back tears. “You gotta stay in the dorms for the next week and a half,” he said sternly, as my mother began to faint. I couldn’t believe my ears. I couldn’t imagine, what if I, bright, handsome and charming day student, transforms into one of those Connor MacMillans, one of those Hiawatha Davis the Thirds, or even worse, one of those Tim Lans? The thought was both enticing and terrifying all at once.
As I was dropped off at the dorms one stormy, loud, thunderous morning, when it seemed to be nighttime despite it being about noon, I was expecting a long destructive path to the dorms. I was expecting bones to cover the walkway, maybe a couple people fighting back tears. However, my eyes were opened to one of the more startling revelations of my life. The second I stepped onto the dorm campus, the sun poked out of the sky, the temperature skyrocketed to a cool 80 degrees, and the date turned to July 4th, as fireworks blasted into the sky, because everyday is summer in the dorms.
The next ten days I spent in the dorms exceeded my expectations. I was having a great time hanging out with people like Connor, Hiawatha and Tim, who did a great job pretending to be my friends until I left. Just kidding—we’re really friends, right guys?? Peter the dorm parent has a beautiful moustache and Daniel Ewnetu has a soothing voice—these things boosted my spirit. The next week was spent magically, with people like Grady “PROTECT LIL B AT ALL COSTS” MacMillan, who I continue to learn is by far the best MacMillan. Simon and I connected on how we are both gorgeous. That was nice as well.
However, things took an odd turn one Saturday evening. After absolutely destroying Hiawatha, Simon, Daniel and Connor at basketball, which ended with Hiawatha begging me to take his spot on varsity, I came back to my room. I was surprised to see my mattress on the ground and my sheets and blankets off. I thought that maybe someone took them to clean them, but something wasn’t right. There was definitely something “weird,” so I knew I had to get to the bottom of this. I had a few suspects, obviously Jinny Park, who would frequently bully me whenever she could while I was staying in the dorms, berating me with comments like, “Hi Brad!!” or even worse, “You look good today, Brad!!” So naturally she was a suspect. It could have also easily been Chang Yong. Sadly, the mystery that shocked the world still goes unsolved to this day.
My final few days in the dorms were also very enjoyable, as hours of playoff basketball, watching How I Met Your Mother for hours on repeat with my best pal Connor took up most of our time. The rest of my time was spent absolutely destroying Hiawatha at NBA 2k13, because I can promise you he didn’t beat me by 30, after I spent time bragging about how good I was at that video game. Also, I swear, Hiawatha, Tim and I didn’t spend a solid hour watching old Disney Channel shows and the High School Musicals, both the fantastic first one and its beautiful sequel. Really.
I realized that, after giving Tim some great advice on lifting and how to get big, tips he was begging me for, it was my time to go. I was all packed up but realized that I lost my key to my room, which I had sworn I left in Harrison Hiraki’s car on one of the days he was my personal chauffeur to Chipotle. However, he promised that my key wasn’t in his car, even though I am pretty sure I heard him laughing maniacally after he said that, hearing him whisper something about how, “Brad will never find his precious key,” even though I could have easily heard it all wrong. The dorms was definitely a rewarding experience, and I was a bit sentimental when I left, even though dreams about eating peanut butter again made me feel a bit better.