The Tea Controversy

by Thomas P(censored) 

Secret. Subtle. Stealthy. Under the radar, and gnawing away at our budget like an unstoppable canker. Few know of it, and fewer have more than a mention.

It’s the Tea Problem. Ever heard of it?


“No I have not”

“There is no tea problem”

“Could you please elaborate?”

Those are the voices of your peers – actual quotes from people asked if they had ever heard of the issue of teabags being removed from the Dining Hall by nefarious Upper School students.

The Tea Problem consists of students of the school, who may even believe that they are doing no wrong, strolling into the Dining Hall when they have no right to be there and pilfering teabags and hot water for their own use. This is of course morally reprehensible, because it is not only disruptive but also draining. Students simply cannot be allowed to waltz in whenever they like and be a tax upon limited resources. “It’s outside of the budget”, says Kelly C., General Manager of the Cafeteria, “and not a free-for-all”

There are four theoretical solutions to the existing problem of the tea supply. Since students have been empirically revealed to be irresponsible that number can be whittled down to three. Number one is removing the tea altogether. Since it is good to have beverage options, and tea is a fine potation in general, this cannot be allowed to pass. Number two is posting security guards around the dining hall with tasers, sticks, or large baskets of jello mix, to disable those who attempt to purloin teabags. This is contrary to OES policy, and would be a general let-down of our mission. Number three is to allow this behavior to continue. Since the appropriation of teabags is currently not accounted for, this would involve making some space in the budget. “I’m here to accommodate the school’s requirement,” says Kelley C. “I’ll {supply tea} if the school is willing to pay for it”

Are we willing to pay for extracurricular tea? Or must we mature and move on?

Either way, we must first fix our integri-tea.