Where OES Is Watching The Super Bowl

by Abe Asher

This Sunday will mark the sixth straight year I have attended the same Super Bowl party.

Some moments have stood out more than others, like when I screamed at Renne Flemming to “HURRY IT UP ALREADY!” four seconds into last year’s national anthem so I could win my “Will The Singing Of The National Anthem Take Over Or Under Two Minutes And One Second” prop bet.

There was the time that a number of folks cheered the power outage in the Superdome during the 2013 game because it meant there was time to run upstairs and grab more drinks.

Watching the Super Bowl is hard work. During most sporting events, you can get up during the commercials to get food, go to the bathroom, do whatever, but during the Super Bowl, the commercials are unquestionably more important than the game — so leaving when play stops is absolutely not an option.

It can be stressful too, depending on the amount of money you have wagered on obscure bets like, “Will the Red Hot Chili Peppers take their shirts off during the halftime show?,” and, “Will Phil Simms’ longest run-on sentence be over or under 1:20?”

Look, kids, it’s an art. Everyone has their routines, their traditions, and their superstitions. Some are better than others. So I’ve set out to figure out where OES students and faculty go on Super Bowl Sunday.

Daniel Scoggins, whose brand of aw-shucks, self-deprecating sense of humor was perhaps a reason that at least like 37% of the student body voted for him for President last spring, had the piano drop on his head again.

Daniel will be on a plane during the Super Bowl, flying to Miami for a musical engagement.

“I tried to look for a red-eye flight instead. Hopefully the plane has DirecTV on it so I can spend $25 to watch the Super Bowl,” he says.

“The last seven years I’ve gone to Matt’s Super Bowl party and beat Liam at halftime in one on one basketball.”

Then the anger hits.

“I’m so pissed off though! And this year it’s actually going to be a good game!”

That means he’ll miss one of the signature OES get-togethers, at the house of one Matthew S. The guest list is over fifty people long.

(Wait, for a minute let’s play a game called can you guess his last name? Matthew S., is there an O? Maybe a W?)

Jared C., a long-time Patriots fan, will not be having fun on Sunday. This won’t be new for him, since he also supports Liverpool FC. For the Super Bowl, there will be no party. Instead, he’ll “sit downstairs aligning my chair in its lucky position. It will be pure agony. I tried a Super Bowl party once, but that didn’t work out.”

Things could get crazy at the dorms, where an hour-long flag football game will be played before the game.

“It’s all because of Kerr… and Peter,” says one dorm student.

Kerr’s decree is, “If you want chicken wings, you have to watch the game for at least one hour,” she says.

Peter Buonincutro’s prediction for the flag football game? “Pain.”

Of course there are those who do not join the approximately 120 million people who watch the Super Bowl in America. Those people are the people who end up weighing less than the 120 million.

“I neither host, nor go to one,” says English Department chair Rick Rees. His Super Bowl partying days were long ago. “I’m talking the early 90s, when Living Color was doing their halftime commentary.”

Natalie Berger says, “We feel like we are compelled to watch it because we are Americans. I’m usually doing homework.”

Sounds like fun.

Mike Gwaltney takes it a step further, “The American football thing. I haven’t watched it in this millennium. The last time I watched it, the guy with the name of the state… Montana…. was playing.”

There’s more.

“I don’t find the American football to be interesting. I went to a party last year, and they had the concussion-inducing event on the television.”

Offsetting Mike is this, from Carmen Boyle: “There are some non-american teachers that are throwing a Super Bowl party too with Texan BBQ included for 25 people plus.”

“I love everything about the Super Bowl even though I don’t understand football! My neighbors adopted two Ethiopian boys and their last name is Sherman so the whole neighborhood is with the Seahawks – and one of my best friends was  the main cheerleader for the Seahawks, so Seahawks all the way!”

“Of course I’m aware of the Super Bowl. I had three brothers,” says Sue Jensen. She goes on to list the sports. All of them.

Everyone will enjoy Sunday afternoon in their own different ways. Long live the Super Bowl.