by Isabella W.
Ah, the elusive Crush sodas. A touching tribute to friendship or the ultimate measure of freshmen popularity in the form of highly concentrated sugar and corn syrup.
You can see them stacked by the thousands, spilling out of lockers in hues of 100% organic colors of bright orange, red, and a fairly putrid purple.
I recall in freshman year hearing from several senior girls that there is a distinct code for these colors. Orange is what you give to friends, red is what you give to someone you like like, and purple is reserved for your mortal enemies.
This can be a great way to keep track of how your social skills are progressing. Over the years I have recieved several purple Crushes so it seems I have made some awesome impressions here. I’m not entirely sure if this code is true or not. When I asked fellow students they responded with, “What do you mean?” and “Go away, Isabella”.
Crush code existing or not, these symbols of friendship are a classic tradition at OES. Even with the relatively new presence of Kisses—arguably more edible than a Crush soda—, Crushes hold their own as the hot commodity in the OES community come February.
So, what is it that makes the Crush soda so special? I interviewed some of the Aardvark Dig staff to find out why.
Perhaps the most controversial question I asked was if the members of the Aardvark Dig had ever received a Crush at all.
Editor and power-hungry Abe Asher responded with, “Yeah,” as if I were the least competent being alive. He then went on to say that when he gets a Crush soda he feels, “thrilled”, adding his signature derisive nod.
On a side note, if you ever hope to gain Abe’s affection, I highly recommend sending him at least eight Gorilla Grams to Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.
The freshmen responses were a bit morose.
Jack Schlendorf, Lewis Byrd, and Petie Wogan all said they haven’t received any Crushes (tears may even have been shed) . Jack Schlendorf recounts his fondest Crush memory with joy in his eyes, “My sister got ten Crushes her first year in high school. She brought them all home and saved each one and then my dad drank four of them and I drank the rest. She was so disappointed and I loved it.”
The feeling that comes with receiving a Crush is a vital aspect to the longstanding popularity of the sodas. I asked Roz Sullivan-Lovett how she feels when she gets a Crush. She looked at me with hatred before responding, “Pleased; fine.” Whitney Wagner went so far to say that she feels, “Warm and fuzzy on the inside before shedding a single tear.”
Another tradition of the Crush sodas is sending them to an older student whom you admire. One way to accomplish this is by sending vague messages such as “you’re my senior crush” (pun unintended) or “u r cute” for those who simply cannot take the time to profess their undying love in more poetic words.
However, if you’re really looking to leave your mark, then perhaps consider stepping up to purchase a GorillaGram. Sure, the price tag is slightly more hefty, but the benefits are clearly worth it.
You can surely picture yourself sitting inconspicuously in the Great Hall as your chosen song begins playing and a small, enthusiastic gorilla accosts your best friend or dream date. You whisper to yourself, “Got them!”, and hold out your hand for a high-five which probably no one will return.
Funny and charming Bradley Crislip laments his tragic lack of Gorilla Gram gifts, saying “No one loves me. I am dying alone.” However, when asked if he wanted to receive one this year, Crislip responded, “If it was Whitney…definitely not.”
Liam Wogan remarks unenthusiastically that Gorilla Grams make him feel “sweet, yeah, good. I think they’re special”.
Sullivan-Lovett optimistically holds on to the hope that Gorilla Grams “will move at a quick place, because the longer it gets, the worse it gets…In a good way.”
Simon Mehari was the most enthusiastic about actually assuming the responsibility of becoming the Gorilla. When asked hypothetically if he would enjoy taking on the position, he nearly jumped out of his seat with joy and brought out 94 confetti streamers from his backpack, saying “Yeah”.
Join in the tradition and buy a Crush (or 79) today!