Inside JV Boys Basketball

by Bradley C.

At the beginning of the school year, rumors quickly became running across the school, about OES’ two most renowned athletes, Bradley Crislip, and Liam Wogan.

After all the controversy and all the press surrounding our short retirement from JV basketball during our junior year – to focus on the grueling English classes that Kara Tambellini threw exclusively on Liam and I – people were soon talking about the possible comeback for the sports’ biggest stars.

Those rumors proved to be true, as Liam and I shook the sports world up once again, making JV basketball for the second time. I, at first, questioned Pratt and his decision to not put us on Varsity, before remembering our huge lack of talent when it comes to basketball.

We were put on JV’s best team yet, completed with basketball’s best coach, Ed Prep Kirk. We have had an incredible season so far, led by our coach, who is by far my favorite and best coach I’ve ever had, (tied with Missy Smith, coach of OES golf). We couldn’t ask for a better and cooler coach.

Since I have this funny joke where I’m not very good at basketball, Coach loves to laugh everytime I make a shot, since he’s so surprised every time the ball actually goes into the hoop.

While Liam and I are without a doubt the favorites of Coach Kirk, he has a different way of showing it for both us.

Sometimes, as a prank, coach likes to start me, sort of as a joke, and then take me out four minutes into the first quarter, and proceed to not play me for the rest of the game. The team says “it’s because you’re really, really bad at basketball Brad,” but I know those guys are a bunch of jokesters.

On the other hand, for Liam, Coach likes to not sit him for the entire game, no matter how much Liam gasps for air and begs to be subbed out. “Coach, I think I’m dying, please take me out” Liam says, “Nah man, you good” says coach, rubbing his hands together, laughing maniacally, quietly whispering “Liam will NEVER rest” to himself.

We also have my best pal Grady, who, despite his talent, coach has on his shortest leash. There’s been numerous occasions where Grady has nailed 3’s right in the defenders face, only to have coach tell me “Come on Grady, he should have dunked that,” ignoring all reminders that Grady is 5’8, and can’t jump at all.

Our star player, Shiva, has a knack for being a lot better at basketball than the rest of the team. There’s been two times this season, where Shiva got bored and hit buzzer beaters, keeping his face stone cold the entire time, asking me immediately after what the vegetarian options are at Subway.

Shiva is also more popularly known as “Sheeva,” as coach called him for the last two years, before whispering to me in the middle of a game, “Hey Bradley, I just found out Shiva’s name isn’t Sheeva, did you guy know that?”

I laugh and tell him yes, before inquisiting when I would go back into the game, as coach chuckles and says “Ha! You’re funny Bradley.”

Next up, we have the worst player on the entire team, despite his incredible stats, skills, and athleticism, Petie Wogan.

Being Liam’s brother, I think Coach forgot which one was which at the beginning of the year, and knows it is way too late to ask which one is which, so he just refers to each as “your brother” when talking to Liam and Petie.

Petie, when it comes to looks, talent, and just overall ability as a human being, is without a doubt the second best Wogan, right behind my best friend Maria McIvor.

Our big man is Nathan Williams, who is a solid player, yet when you check the stat sheets, pulls down like 30 points and 15 rebounds a game, as he is secretly an incredible basketball player, but just doesn’t want anyone to know yet.

Nathy Willz, as we call him, sadly got concussed a couple weeks ago, as he now spends most of practice randomly wandering into the middle of the court, confused to his whereabouts, thinking to himself that is the weirdest soccer game he’s ever attended.

Off the bench, we got my buddy Simon. Simon ordered flatbread at Subway.

We also got one of my favorite dudes, Andy “Shablagoo” S. Coach once referred to Shablagoo as “the most athletic guy on the court, much to the complete shock of everyone, as Coach continued by, and this is actually not a joke, saying “I have seen this man dunk a basketball.”

Shablagoo also has some of the most wild stories you will ever hear, including one where he spent about an hour and half describing the time, and he swears this is true, fighting crime in Paris with Jackie Chan, despite the multiple similarities to Rush Hour 3.

Now don’t even get me started on Jethro. I will never, ever pick favorites, and I hope this doesn’t show favoritism in any way but Jethro is my favorite.

Jethro could be described as “a homeless man’s Steph Curry,” for his ability to hit incredibly long 3 pointers, just a little less consistently than Steph. Jethro is the perfect 6th man, as goes, scored in bunches, and actually takes incredible beatings, as Jethro has never not returned from a game clutching his arm, breathing worryingly hard, with blood splattered on his half ripped jersey.

Jethro, who is definitely more famous for being THE JV GOLF TEAM AKA TOLF GEAM CAPTAIN AND FUTURE STAR OF THE OES MENS VARSITY TOLF GEAM THE SEASON STARTS IN MARCH GET EXCITED TOLF GEAM FOREVER GO PORTLAND SHREDDER I HATE SCHMIDLIN.

Ahem, anyway, Coach is constantly calling Jethro by “Bradley,” telling me “come on Bradley, you KNOW you guys are identical.”

We also have Daniel, AKA Big D, who is prone to having incredible scoring outbursts, before instantly being benched, as we really don’t want Pratt to know that we have the best player in the school.

My bud, Leo, who probably has the most horizontal shot of all time, yet manages to somehow score, had his highlight of the season a couple weeks ago.

Having an open shot, Leo decided to run back to the three point line for a one handed floater, with possibly the least made shot of all time.

Last, but certainly not least, is my guy Sahil, who has missed half the season for completely unknown reasons, and we, especially coach, are all too afraid to ask where he’s been, since we don’t know what Sahil is capable of.

IT HAS BEEN AN INCREDIBLE SEASON, AND WE HAVE MORE GAMES LEFT. SO IF YOU WANT ME TO SLEEP WELL AT NIGHT, COME TO OUR GAME AGAINST CATLIN, TOMORROW, MAIN GYM, AT 4:30!!!!!

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