The Beard Is Back

by Liam W.

Folks, I know what is on all of your minds. This is the most controversial topic since Lance Armstrong drove a motorcycle in the Tour de France, or whatever he did that was wrong, I must admit cycling is not a sport that I follow much of.

Anyways, I am here to write about the controversial issue on everyone’s minds at the moment, which is the huge, filthy, “I belong in 1967” beards that several notable students have been donning, including me, Bradley C., and even our student body president, Daniel S.

For me, the beard started back in January, and I grew the beast until my mom forcibly suggested that I tame it prior to semi so that I did not look like a retired Star Wars character in photos that night, one of the few nights of the year where I actually appear in photos and get out of the house. I obliged. However, right after semi, I secretly started growing it back. I think it was President Abe Lincoln who once famously said “Shave? Haha no way!”.

My life, when it comes down to it, relies on this beard, not only as, once it gets long enough, a convenient spot for storage, but also as a companion and a comforting safety net. Had I been in possession of the beard during my college application process, I would have put it on my resumé under the “work experience” category.

Tending to this thing is like owning a japanese garden; it is fragile and rich with history, though sometimes it gets dirty and you find artifacts or objects in it that you didn’t even know existed.

The perks of a beard are uncountable. A major one is being able to wink at anyone else who also has one of them. If they don’t wink back, then they are weird.

If you have a beard, you are now in an exclusive community. You are legally allowed to wear three times more leather and five times more denim once you have a beard under Oregon State Law. You must be sure to register your beard with the government once its long enough because if you don’t, things can get pretty hairy (That pun was the peak of my career).

Below, I leave you with a few examples of some high-class well-respected citizens in our society who have/had beards.

Alexander Graham Bell – Invented the telephone primarily so he could keep his buddies updated on the progress of his beard when they weren’t with him.

Bearded Dragon – An entire species of lizards who decided they going were to let their beards grow in a rebellion against society.

Shia Labeouf – Starred in the movie Holes, hasn’t done much since then except grow a below average beard.