by Bradley C.
As your TOLF GEAM captain/supreme leader Brad Crislip and his young, aspiring State Golfer, Jethro “waitwut” Swain prepare for the season, we decided that we needed to best people possible if we wanted to succeed.
Luckily, professional librarian Chris Myers, and trainer extraordinaire Joel Gray are coming to save us. Golf Winterim is something that all professional golfers strive to complete, but sadly are not usually capable of completing.
Joel and Chris tell us stories of the numerous times Tiger and Rory would call them, begging for help, only to have Chris tell them “nah bruh ya boi got sum readin to do lol,” so we are lucky enough to have them to help an incredible team that includes Jonathan “Never Not Tan” D., Abe “I Told Him To Not Cut Hair But He Stopped Listening To Me Years Ago And Our Marriage Is Falling Apart” Asher, Petie “Stop Throwing Up Its Not Funny Anymore I Miss You So Much” Wogan, Nat “Take My Leong Tennis Sweatshirt And You Take My Pride” S., Alex “Ask Him To Freestyle Its Just Dreadful” Olander, and Alden “My Dream Girl” Felstiner. TOLF GEAM.
by Abe Asher
Here are ten things to watch for on the Golf Winterim.
1. A brawl between Brad and Chris.
2. A brawl between Brad and Joel.
3. Me skipping next Thursday to watch the NCAA Tournament. Me skipping all the other days to fill out my bracket.
5. Joel talking about the weather, Joel looking at weather reports, Joel reporting the weather reports.
6. Someone getting hurt. The early favorite is Daniel L. or Jethro S. who is still recovering from the flying into the basket support at SPARC. National Tennis Coach of the Year Coleen Davis, in lieu of offering medical support, blamed Daylight Savings and started texting.
7. My chip-shot routine: I hit the first shot two feet to give the other competitors a chance. I hit the second shot three feet the wrong way because I’m bad at golf. I hit the third shot into the woods behind the hole because I’m really fed up.
8. Property damage.
9. Reliving the Masters when “Uncle Verne” Lundquist kept calling South African golfer Louis Oosthuizen “Lewis O-Wust-Hazen” on national television. Long live Verne. Look at the picture below and tell me you don’t love that man.
10. Enjoying the company of at least like four of the people I have to spend the week with. Winterim, baby!