Golf Team Update

by Bradley C.

WOW TOLF GEAM IS OFF TO MAYBE THE GREATEST START IN OES HISTORY WOW. REMEMBER WHEN THE ENTIRE WORLD CONTINUES TO DOUBT THE VALIDITY AND ABILITY OF OES TOLF, CAN WE CONTINUE TO DEFY ALL ODDS OF MODERN PHYSICS AND BIOLOGY, QUICKLY GETTING OFF TO, STATISTICALLY, THE GREATEST START IN AN OES SPORTS HISTORY. I HAVE NO REAL DATA TO SUPPORT THAT.

HOWEVER, BECAUSE TOLF HAS NEGATIVE PUBLICITY (why aren’t we ever in the “upcoming OES sporting events why won’t anyone ever love us why can’t I put commas in my sentences) I THOUGHT I WOULD UPDATE THE WORLD ON HOW MUCH WE’VE BEEN DOMINATING.

To start off, as I dramatically transition over into lower caps, I would like to announce the amount of which we dominated at the 3A statewide tournament at Pumpkin Ridge. “Oes golf? More like OES honestly really not that good at golf” said our competitors as we walked up to the tee. The 8 team, 40 kid tournament was filled with the top guys at state, so a last place finish, with millions of strokes for each out players, was expected. I, personally, put to rest any doubt that we weren’t the greatest team of all time, as I shot an 82, finishing 5th place. Females stormed the course after my last putt, screaming about how they “only date guys who shoot 82 at Pumpkin Ridge,” so my job was done. The rest of the team continued to live in my shadow, but still performed admirably.

OK CAN WE BE HONEST AND AGREE THAT THE COACH OF CASCADE CHRISTIAN SHOULD NEVER EVER BE ALLOWED TO COUNT SCORES EVER AGAIN BECAUSE ALL IT LEADS TO IS BRAD AND TOLF GEAM BEING SAD. WHEN I TURNED IN MY SCORECARD THE DUDE LITERALLY SAID “looks like we have a winner!!!!” AND EVEN ASKED IF I WANTED TO GRAB MY TROPHY. BUT, OF COURSE, A DUDE WALKED IN, SMOKING A CIGAR, WEARING A TOP HAT, LOOKING LIKE THE DEFINITION OF WEALTH AND SUCCESS, AND SHOT A 76, BEATING ME BY ONE.

I could have won, but my best bud and fellow captain, CARL “PORTLAND SHREDDER” FELSTINER, walked up to me on my last birdie putt, telling me “if you three putt this, you win the tournament” as I immediately had a panicking attack, missing the birdie putt that could have tied it, because no one likes crushing my dreams like my teammates.

HOWEVER, I TIED THE OES 18 HOLE RECORD WITH A 77, IN MY GOAL TO WIN THE ATHLETE OF THE YEAR AWARD, BECAUSE NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER THAN SEEING MATTS FACE, WHEN I WIN IT, AND HE DOESN’T.

WE ENDED UP FINISHING 2ND AS A TEAM, WHICH IS OUR HIGHEST FINISH EVER!! JOSH PLAYED GREAT,, PORTLAND SHREDDER IS THE GREATEST GOLFER OF ALL TIME, AND WILL ACKERMAN IS ADORABLE.

WE HAD ANOTHER TOURNAMENT LAST WEEK AND PLAYED LIKE TOTAL BUTT, BUT PORTLAND SHREDDER SHOT AN 81 AND IS SLOWLY TAKING OVER THE WORLD.

Next tournament is monday at Glendoveer SO PLEASE COME NO ONE EVER COMES #TOLFGEAM

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