Aardvark Dig Presidential Endorsement

by Abe Asher

We’ve heard the speeches. We’ve seen the posters. We’ve talked to the experts. We’ve read the constitution.

We haven’t read the constitution.

We’ve talked to the candidates. We’ve reviewed the resumes. We’ve debated. We’ve prayed. And we’ve reached a conclusion.

The Aardvark Dig editorial board has decided to endorse Daniel Scoggins for a second term.

Now I know what you’re thinking: Scoggins is washed up. His aw-shucks, hipster-styled, self-deprecating, well-coifed, exquisitely-bearded persona is old. You’re tired of his Ray-Ban glasses. You may have heard the rumor that he is among the seven seniors with their service learning hours done and is prepared to graduate.

“He’s good, but he has to go,” said Brendan L. after a 30 to 40 second pause when I asked him if Daniel deserved a second term.

Brendan, kind of our sitting political czar, kind of a fashion icon, spoke to the fears of many. Will Daniel be an absentee President next year?

In fact, Scoggins’ opponents have made his impending graduation a major issue in the campaign. For you political junkies out there, this race can be compared to Ronald Reagan against Walter Mondale in the 1984 US Presidential election, when Mondale made Reagan’s age an issue (he was actually 207 at the time and partially brain-dead), leading to this famous takedown from the former actor.

While the Dig is concerned about the fact that Scoggins will be in college at Oberlin next year and actually not attending OES, we have calculated that he’ll actually miss less school next year for college than he did this year to play cello.

Others, such as Elie D., have accused Scoggins of witchcraft, breaking a pledge not to go negative as the campaign heats up and enters its stretch-run. Shortly after Scoggins played at Oregon governor John Kitzhaber’s inauguration for a fourth term, Kitzhaber was forced to surreally resign amidst allegations of improprieties involving his fiancé Cylvia Hayes.

Math teacher Gary Crossman has been less than impressed with Scoggins’ reportedly unmatched streak of missing 17 classes in a row in February, although the golf team reportedly does not recognize the record.

But in reality, Daniel has been a terrific leader for the school. Affable and respected by both boards and the faculty leaders he works with, the fact that Daniel is so short makes both grandparents and small children feel comfortable at all times.

We like Daniel. And that alone, is enough.

This is a direction that the Aardvark Dig has agreed upon unanimously. Daniel Scoggins deserves a second term. However, this is not a decision that everyone is so pleased with.

“I feel that a school newspaper endorsing a candidate when it’s supposed to represent the entire student body and provide information to the entire student body, and when it’s giving an endorsement to a certain candidate, it’s giving an unfair advantage to a certain candidate,” said candidate Arnav B., fundamentally misunderstanding both the way endorsements and newspapers work.

So Daniel isn’t Gary Cooper — the strong, silent type. He isn’t Knute Rockne. He isn’t Rocky Balboa. If he were from Indiana, he would be something of a David Letterman-lite. Who cares. He’s our President. And if it were up to the Aardvark Dig, he’d continue to be next year.