Hello again, loyal readers. I’d like to start out by apologizing from my long absence from the Aardvark Dig. Foolishly, I strayed from the path of my assigned activity and thought that I could pursue interests other than the area I am most productive in, which is analyzing literature. As any good OES student can tell you, productivity is all, and learning is all. Thank you to Kara Tambellini, Oracle of Truth, for opening my eyes to my need to return to the Dig.
Secondly, I am required to tell you that, in the past, some of my articles have contained misinformation. I assure you that discipline has occurred and I will no longer mislead my fellow students. I want to extend my apologies for my weak mind and disdainful heart, and from now on I promise to provide only Truth.
Today I’ll be helping out any juniors who are planning to take Shakespeare in the World next year, summarizing Othello and providing some of my own commentary for those students whose designation is outside of the English department. I must remind you that this information is by no means intended as a substitution for reading the actual play. The Aardvark Dig does not condone use of Sparknotes, Cliffsnotes, or other learning aids.
A massive grassroots effort by the student body has manifested itself in glorious copper. Through the will of the student body and its planning committee a statue was commissioned and erected over the weekend to cheers and applause from those students lucky enough to witness the ceremony. Our Great Leader released a statement thanking for student body, but also issued a warning that all work quotas must still be maintained.
Sovereign of Schedules, the Illustrious Deri Bash also commented on the statue, saying:
“This is the kind of effort we expect from an obedient student; positive energy towards the glory of the school, not pointless attempts at resistance”
We at the Dig, the only authorized news source, highly encourage all law abiding citizens to prostrate themselves before that statue at their earliest convenience. Failure to do so will result in severe penalties. Attempting to touch the statue is expressly forbidden, but students desperate to show their respects are encourage to lay flowers and salute.
The Font of Wisdom, Jordan Elliott, and his Leadership Team have sanctioned investigations into the mysterious black and red graffiti that appeared on the balcony in the Great Hall sometime during the night. Allegations have been made against citizens of Sector 12, but none have stepped forward to accept punishment. Suspects are being taken into custody for questioning as the Leadership Team’s inquiries proceed. Arbiter of Peace and Tranquility, Deb Walsh, could not be reached for comment. However, the administration’s official press statement issued by Sovereign as Scheduled, Deri Bash, is as follows:
In lieu of the Discipline Committee, the administration is working tirelessly to bring justice to the high school and will take all corrective measures to bring diversity and tranquility back to this community. For this egregious disruption of public space, justice will be served to the fullest extent of the Handbook.
Follow the Font of Wisdom, Jordan Elliott, on Twitter for further updates: @OESheadUS.
Students of the #1 private school in Oregon, this question has been resonating through the vile underbelly of our beloved institution. These dirty words, spilling from the lips of those who do not believe in quality education for all, are a poison that is permeating the wondrous minds which are being nurtured at Oregon Episcopal School. This question is an affront to everything this school stands for. The leadership team were given their titles due to their abilities. We can trust that their judgment is what is best. You know this to be true. As students, we rely on our administration. Trust, connection, and faith are the three keys to community. Our hearts and minds must be aligned.
Let me tell you a story. There once was a school in the Northeast. It was renowned, beautiful, compact. Some called it perfect. Some called it wonderful. When they left for the fabulous institutions that awaited them after high school, they returned as alumni, bearing gifts to help the school prosper. The school was a machine, and the students were the cogs. Working with the administration, they were able to create a learning environment that outsiders looked in on and called “paradise.”
But a poison infiltrated the school. Like a plague carried by the rats, words of dissatisfaction crept through the institution with fingertips of shadow. Ungrateful, selfish, callow students; traitors to the glorious educational paradise created at this ideal institution. They spread lies about the school that gave its heart and soul for them. Although the leadership team rallied the students to combat the infection, they were unsuccessful in stopping the plague of vile thoughts, and the beautiful school had to close its hallowed doors. Only one member of the leadership team was able to retain employment, finding it at our doors. Three years ago, CT Henry arrived at our school. Ask him. You will learn what happens to schools that do not trust, connect, and have faith in their community.
Students, please. Do not let our school, your home, degrade into the madness of shadows that took our sister institution. When the leadership team is questioned, do your duty. Report the dissenter to your nearest educational instructor. Decapitate the snake before it bites. Lock the doors before the intruder sneaks in. Defend your castle. Defend your home. Our hearts and minds must be aligned.
As we approach the week of finals, I encourage you to think about the importance of productivity. Remember, as our supreme lead Jordan Elliot often says, “A productive student is a happy student.” This means your extra hours should be devoted purely to your educational studies. You may be thinking, “but what about extracurriculars? What about sports? What about art? Don’t those make us into more rounded and interest individuals?” If you were thinking any of those things please report to the nearest Student Thought Correction Facility immediately.
Thank you for learning with me, and remember: OES is Always Watching.