Scandal, Shock, and Horror

by Thomas Pinkava

This is incredible. This trumps everything. The student body has been thrown into turmoil. The administration has gone topsy-turvy, and if the Dig weren’t electronic, we’d have run out of ink. This is big, big news.

Peter Buonincontro has gotten a haircut.

Yes, this is no joke. This is no hoax. The infamous moral stanchion of OES has defied all expectations by actually — unbelievable though it seems — removing his legendary locks. Experts in hairstyling school-wide are perplexed as to why the prominent fashion guru, who up until now sported a sensible coiffure, would remove the hair on not one but both sides of his head.

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Our reporters pursued details of what went through the mind of the fabled dorm overlord when he performed this controversial act. Nobody seems to know just why he would exchange a perfectly good haircut for such a shocking, avant-garde style.

“Every Christmas I get a mohawk for my wife,” says Peter B. What does this enigmatic reply mean? Is there method in his madness? Why does his wife so desire a haircut that defies all of the laws of decent civilization?

Although great speculation is still churning in the think-tanks behind closed doors, we can now confirm that there is another reason, another explanation for the scandalous behavior. “I know it really bothers my mom; she keeps thinking it’ll ruin the Christmas photos,” said Peter, “I keep her young that way.” Such a strange reply; so distant from the small, fuzzy, caring man that most of us know.

Is he somehow intoxicated? Is there a career-ruining backstory behind the barbershop nightmare? Is the loss of side-hair a manifestation of a dark and sinister past? We may be able to confirm these rumors in the next issue — but we may never know.

 

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