by Thomas Pinkava
This is incredible. This trumps everything. The student body has been thrown into turmoil. The administration has gone topsy-turvy, and if the Dig weren’t electronic, we’d have run out of ink. This is big, big news.
Peter Buonincontro has gotten a haircut.
Yes, this is no joke. This is no hoax. The infamous moral stanchion of OES has defied all expectations by actually — unbelievable though it seems — removing his legendary locks. Experts in hairstyling school-wide are perplexed as to why the prominent fashion guru, who up until now sported a sensible coiffure, would remove the hair on not one but both sides of his head.
Our reporters pursued details of what went through the mind of the fabled dorm overlord when he performed this controversial act. Nobody seems to know just why he would exchange a perfectly good haircut for such a shocking, avant-garde style.
“Every Christmas I get a mohawk for my wife,” says Peter B. What does this enigmatic reply mean? Is there method in his madness? Why does his wife so desire a haircut that defies all of the laws of decent civilization?
Although great speculation is still churning in the think-tanks behind closed doors, we can now confirm that there is another reason, another explanation for the scandalous behavior. “I know it really bothers my mom; she keeps thinking it’ll ruin the Christmas photos,” said Peter, “I keep her young that way.” Such a strange reply; so distant from the small, fuzzy, caring man that most of us know.
Is he somehow intoxicated? Is there a career-ruining backstory behind the barbershop nightmare? Is the loss of side-hair a manifestation of a dark and sinister past? We may be able to confirm these rumors in the next issue — but we may never know.