by Thomas Pinkava
Yes, it’s that time of year again. The weather cools, the students roll up and down the halls screeching about finals, and Chris Myers arrives at school wearing various sweaters that defy all previous understanding of the term ‘tacky’.
It’s a time for peace, joy, and compassion for the entire world. As winter sets in, the most important celebration of the year draws near. Anticipation mounts for the Most Magical Day of all, a festival where all mankind should come together and rejoice in one of our most ancient and sacred traditions.
In case you haven’t caught on yet, I’m talking about Nogfest.
The truth is that no amount of ‘saviors of mankind’ can compare to the grandeur of a single glass of eggnog. Who needs crazy prophets when one can indulge in a perfect substance, an apogee of drink, a paragon of beverage?
Cure the sick? Ha! Drink some nog; you’ll feel better!
Heal the blind? Pshaw! You don’t need eyes to appreciate eggnog!
Loaves and Fishes? Pfft! Don’t need those; we have nog!
Water into Wine? Pointless! Try water into eggnog!
Sacrifice oneself to absolve all humankind of sin? Don’t make me laugh. One glass of nog and you won’t even care what happens to your immortal soul.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you don’t need religion when you have nog: come to Nogfest, and rejoice in a delicious alternative to spirituality.
A brief explanation of Nogfest, for those who have yet to enter into its sacred community:
Nogfest is the OES annual celebration of the ultimate liquid, which traditionally takes place in the library on the Friday before finals. In addition to massive indulgence in the department of research into How Many Different Ways Nog Can Be Ingested, there is a competition of haikus (so that the nog is pervasive in all facets of life) and a competition of tacky sweaters (in which yours truly distinguished himself for a sweater that rendered most of the viewers blind). If this isn’t enticing enough, you should a) have your reasoning cortex examined and b) come and have your preconceptions banished by the sheer magnificence of the event.
COME TO THE LIBRARY, FRIDAY AFTER SCHOOL!