Bring. Back. Fred Claus.

by Abe Asher

Go home, everybody. Christmas is canceled.

For weeks — months, maybe — we’ve been looking forward to this Friday’s holiday movie showing of Fred Claus, a hilarious film starring Vince Vaughn as Santa Claus’ fed-up older brother.

Then, at the eleventh hour, we received this email from demagogic Junior Community Board representative Maya Caulfield:

“Hi Everyone!!!

We got some feedback about Fred Claus, and it seems like

HOME ALONE

Is a better choice for a Holiday Movie. So come watch home alone at school on Friday Night at 6:30.”

The Dig newsroom was thrown in a panicked frenzy.

“Why are they changing!?,” a distraught Kara Tambellini shouted at an off-the-rails meeting on Thursday morning.

“I feel like people just wanted to stick to what was routine and weren’t willing to take a chance on a classic Vince Vaughn masterpiece,” said Dig co-editor Isabella Waldron.

“I’ve been hyping up Fred Claus all week, and now, all my work has been done in vain,” said Johnny Seabright, who promised to go on a hunger strike and show up to school in a Dutch cycling uniform.

“You know, okay. I guess you could say that Fred Claus inspired who I am today. I’ve always been a big Vince Vaughn supporter, through thick and thin,” said a deeply-broken Pete Wogan.

“It seems unprecedented. WHAT DO THE PEOPLE WANT!? WHAT ABOUT THE AVERAGE JOES, THE PEOPLE WHO ARE PUTTING IN WORK EVERY DAY!?,” an increasingly upset Wogan thundered away.

OES legend Matthew Sipowicz, Class of ’15, flew in from college in California to talk to me about this outrage, saying, “Fred Claus versus Home Alone? Is this even a discussion people are having?”

The incomparable Thomas Pinkava raised another question, saying, “I think it’s an unholy desecration of the ideals of Christmas by cross-contaminating the genre with an unrelated film.”

Even if every American hadn’t already seen Home Alone 53 times, it’d still be a bad choice. The late, great film critic Roger Ebert gave the movie a measly 2.5 out of 4 stars, saying of the booby-traps, “they’re the kinds of traps that any 8-year-old could devise, if he had a budget of tens of thousands of dollars and the assistance of a crew of movie special effects people”

BURN.

And Ebert was a nice guy, he didn’t take films down because he enjoyed it. This also isn’t the first time in recent years OES has shown Home Alone on Holiday Movie Night. It was also the selection in 2012.

It’s not just Vince Vaughn we’re missing out on. It’s widely-known that Fred Claus was the breakout film for a young Kevin Spacey. Plus, Fred Claus features an impressive performance from Paul Giamatti, who expertly manages to look a solid thirty years older than he really is.

NOW: WATCH THIS AND TELL ME YOU AREN’T AMUSED.

AND THIS, IF YOU HAVE THE TIME AND HAVEN’T READ OUR OTHER EXCELLENT ARTICLES THIS WEEK.

Community Board members probably were available to comment, but I didn’t ask for a comment because I can barely stand to look these people. To everyone involved in the travesty of justice, I can only say one thing: Trump would have wanted this.

We’ll have more as this story develops.

UPDATE: Student Body President Cyrus J. has obfuscated all responsibility for the calamity, claiming he was at Policy Board on Thursday morning.

Several sources confirm this fact, noting that Cyrus may have made up his mind not to attend Community Board’s meeting upon discovery that Community Board had no snack.

Had Cyrus been in the meeting, he claims he would have tried to save Fred Claus.

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