by Alex Finley
It has recently come to my attention that the Aardvark Dig is attempting to remove me.
I will not stand for this insult, as clearly I am the most proficient and influential author the Dig has ever seen.
Kara Tambellini herself has stated, and I quote, “Alex you can’t come back if you don’t write another article. You don’t even have credit for this activity.”
Now, as all my loyal readers will understand, greatness takes time and patience. In fact, it requires quite a large amount of mental fortitude to write like myself– a fact that the faculty sponsor of the Dig clearly does not understand.
Thus, I swear to all my fans within the OES population that I will not back down and my articles will continue to come on a weekly or monthly or bimonthly basis (depending on how I feel at the given time). Continue to look forward to my upcoming articles, in which I plan on discussing the meanings and values of our lives and experiences.
As a reminder, I will hereby give a summary of all the topoftheline work I have contributed to the Aardvark Dig. First, I gave a concise and informative review of five different colleges. Second, as many will remember, I turned the entire scientific community of OES against me with a confrontational piece about science research.
Soon afterwards, I wrote an article about flooding in Portland –- ironically before flooding became meta and interesting. In one semester, I have changed the landscape of the OES community. My impact will continue to exist in the future, and I assure you that more controversy awaits.
For this article I will review the Aardvark Dig activity. In the words of Simon M., the Aardvark Dig is “a joke.” If not for my integrity, Simon would have written only one article for the Dig.
That being said, the Dig can be quite entertaining as everyone plots to rile up OES in any possible way.
In some situations, however, Kara takes the form of resident dictator and forces us into laborious writing. In addition, Kara spends much of her free time insulting me and I often leave the Dig with tears in my eyes.
I hope once she recognizes my true impact of the newspaper’s atmosphere, she will treat me more like a person and less like a dog. Next year, when I inevitably become editor of The Aardvark Dig, I will strive to give more rights to the writers and establish a snack calendar. (The lack of snack makes me sadder than any of Kara’s words ever will…)