by Jethro Swain
A couple of weeks ago when Abe begged me to join the Dig, tears streaming down his face, I said I would only join on the condition that I follow in the footsteps of the Aardvark Dig legend and greatest TOLF captain of all time, along with Corn and Portland Shredder, Bradley C., and write articles exactly like the ones he wrote in the past. Abe agreed. Here then, is an update on the JV basketball team.
After the loss of major 2014-15 JV basketball stars the future of JV OES basketball looked bleak. The team lost all five starters including Grady “Gavin” M., Petie “Weight Room” W., Shiva “Sheeva” B., Nathan, “Nathy Willz ‘most suave chapel singer on the planet’” W., and our two captains, undoubtedly the two best captains in JV sports history, Liam and Brad — who were coach Kirk’s two favorite players of all time, as proven through coach’s heartfelt Instagram post.
The team was in ruin, and all of the doubters thought there was no way we could recover from such devastating losses. Aidan W. said that he couldn’t bear to play for a team that wasn’t making a title run, and while I reminded him that there was no championship in JV basketball, he still refused to play.
Five-star sophomore JV2 recruit Alden F., who we were expecting to be our Dwight Howard, was also a no-go. When asked why he couldn’t play for the team he said “my head hurts,” followed by uncontrollable anger when I tried to pat him on the back because he was afraid of “terrible headaches.”
While the odds were against us, it’s been proven that this team could rival a team of five Emerson L.’s. For the fifth year in a row under coach Kirk, who always likes to tell us that “my whole family’s from Dallas,” we’re able to run flawless plays and play solid defense.
Another aspect that helps is the surprise additions of Freshman phenoms Alex S. and David L. Currently our record is 3-4, which isn’t great, but three losses in a row to De La Salle, Clatskanie, and Portland Christian were by less than five points, with a De La Salle player hitting a game-winning three right in my face and then claiming that, “#2 is scared.”
Alex has had a lot of experience in basketball, playing on an AAU team in the past, and telling me, “dude I used to be raw at basketball.” Coach Kirk and Alex are secretly best friends, because they talk before every game about kids who are good at basketball in the state of Oregon, and I’ve heard that sometimes they stay up till 2 AM talking on the phone gossipping and sipping on red wine.
Because of their special bond, Coach plays Alex for the entire game every game — except for every game that Alex misses for “lacrosse” because he’s “good” and “dedicated.”
David on the other hand has never played organized basketball but, as Alex would say, he is still “raw at basketball.”
He’s hit step back threes in people’s faces and can probably beat Emerson in a dunk contest. David likes to show no mercy on the court and drain three pointers from fifteen feet behind the three point line when we’re up by 20 with ten seconds left. Even when the other team gets on their knees and begs him to stop, David shakes his head and proceeds to dunk on them.
Then we’ve got Will “Willy Acks” A. whose number one goal in life is to be a captain of a sports team, and I know this because he always wants to go up to the captain’s circle with the refs at the beginning of games, trying to overthrow me.
He even tried to get every other team member to sign a petition to impeach me as captain. Because of this I gave Will an “Honorary Captain” badge that he can iron to his jersey or frame and put above his bed. Will and I will be making our real title run when TOLF season begins though, as Willy Acks has time to overthrow Josh W. as captain.
Everyone else on the team is a returning JV player from last season, except I barely remember Jeff D. from last year, because he had thousands of hours of homework to do every night, and I’m pretty sure one time Jeff told Coach he couldn’t get a ride to practice even though he lives in the dorms.
Now Jeff provides inspiration to the team through his endless DJ Khaled quotes, constantly yelling “ANOTHER ONE” when anyone shoots the ball. Jeff has the most confidence on the court however, and will take on anyone, anywhere, and throw up a hook shot in their face.
And then we’ve got Simon M. Simon has yet to order flatbread.
Next up is Daniel E., a.k.a. Bid D., a.k.a. Patty Jean Semura. Big D had the best game of his career last Tuesday against Warrenton, with 18 points and upwards of 300 rebounds. Even with this monster stat-line, Coach still likes to make Big D sit on the bench for fear of him tearing his ACL or getting too good at basketball and ruin his future student body presidency (YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT I’M MAKING THE CLAIM).
And then there’s Leo P., who always wants to “truck” every kid he plays against and get in an argument with any call a ref makes. Leo could pick up an opposing player and throw him to the stands and still argue that what he did wasn’t a foul by yelling at the ref.
Leo played in the Riverdale tournament with varsity with a total of 14 seconds of playing time in two games, and he didn’t mess up once so we’re all proud of him for that.
Lastly we got the man, the myth, the legend, Andy “Shablagoo” S. I believe I’m only one of only three or four people who know where the name Shablagoo originates from, however I’ve been sworn to secrecy by Andy with threats such as “I’ll dunk all over you if you tell anyone,” because Andy is “the most athletic man in the entire world I have seen this man dunk 8 basketballs at one time,” as Coach Kirk likes to believe.
Andy and I are the captains of the team this year (sorry Will) and we’re going to take this team all the way to the top and become one of the best JV teams to ever play basketball in the Lewis and Clark League.
Everyone should be at our game on Saturday against Catlin at 2:30 in the gym unless you happen to be watching the Houston Texans beating the Kansas City Chiefs in the NFL playoffs, which is a very valid excuse but otherwise I expect everyone to be there.