2016 Presidential Primaries Primer*

by Abe Asher

There are just eleven days to go until the Iowa Caucuses and THINGS ARE GETTING LIVELY.

This article covers Bernie, Trump, Hillary and more — containing everything you need to know to enjoy the rapidly approaching Presidential primary process.

When it comes to politics, I always reach out to former Dig stalwart and current University of Portland superstar Liam Wogan for wisdom and guidance. I think it’s fair to say that his thoughts on the race, featured in full below, says it all.

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One OES student, sophomore Lucas S., been vocal on various social media outlets about his eagerness to #standwithrand in solidarity with fringe Republican candidate Rand Paul. Some have speculated that Lucas was drawn to Paul’s candidacy by this incredible almost-rhyming #libertynothillary series of graphics.

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Lucas has also recently thrown his support behind another long-shot, promising to #rallyforomalley. Martin O’Malley, the former governor of Maryland, has to make up what some have controversially called a 59-point deficit in New Hampshire.

One Thomas Pinkava has some sobering thoughts. “It’s appalling. I think the candidates that aren’t being covered by the media are irrelevant, because they aren’t being covered by the media.” Mr. Pinkava has remained neutral in the race.

So here’s the slate: The primaries happen on a state by state basis. Iowa is first up, on February 1st. Then comes New Hampshire, then South Carolina and Nevada, and then a ton of states vote on what’s called Super Tuesday on the first Tuesday in March. Here’s a look at the candidates.

THE DEMOCRATS

Bernie Sanders: Bernie just gets it.

He has received the most individual campaign contributions in the history of American politics, which is good, because he spends most of his time hunched over a microphone screaming about the injustice of the American economic and political system.

Everyone who has seen The Big Short is voting for him. So is everyone who is under the age of 30. So is everyone who has seen this sweet new Simon and Garfunkel ad.

Hillary Clinton: Was supposed to win the Democratic race in a walkover until Bernie happened. Still is supposed to win, and frankly, I’m not sure she’d be able to handle not winning.

Former First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State. Republicans are obsessed with her. Probably a decent legislator, but a pretty bad candidate. Will say absolutely anything to win.

Martin O’Malley: Former governor of Maryland. Dad who is struggling to pay several college tuitions and the mortgage. Let’s just say his presence in the race is not huge.

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THE REPUBLICANS

Donald Trump: Oh Jesus Christ.

Here’s the thing. He’s still crushing everybody, and time is running out to stop him. He also got the endorsement of Sarah Palin this week. She seems unwell.

Ted Cruz: Some might be drawn to his womanly facial features, I suppose, but most people who’ve met Ted Cruz absolutely detest him. That crowd very much includes his college roommate. Republicans hate him so much that they’d rather see Trump win. Now that’s hatred.

CLAIMS HE IS A CONSERVATIVE BUT IS SELLING THIS POSTER FOR $55 I FOR ONE HAVE MY DOUBTS.

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DON’T LOOK AT IT TOO LONG IT WILL BURN YOUR SOUL.

Marco Rubio: Profile of Marco “Dry Lips” Rubio, the guy who Democrats least want to face in November:

Likes: His boyishly handsome looks, his incredible ears, and his flashy boots.

Dislikes: Ted Cruz, giving the State of the Union response, his ill-fated support of immigration reform, Ted Cruz, and going to work.

Jeb! Bush: George W.’s older, slightly more self-aware brother. You’ve probably seen him sporting one of his three signature looks, listed below.

  • There’s the “I’m Trying To Be Aggressive But I’d Much Rather Get Home To My Puzzle”
  • The “Dad Of Four Squares Up To School Secretary”
  • Or the classic “The In-Laws Are Moving In And I’m Pretending I Don’t Want To Kill Myself”

Jeb! was supposed to win. However, despite spending more than fourteen times as much money as Trump, he’s getting trounced. Good news is, you can still get your hands on this beauty at the Jeb! Store.

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Ben Carson: Sleepy, slightly deranged doctor. His bizarre behavior led to the greatest headline in the history of Presidential politics from the Daily Intelligencer.

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Mr. Carson believes that his 57 honorary degrees from universities around the country qualify him to be President. Voters do not agree. He’ll probably be gone soon after Iowa.

Chris Christie: Overgrown fourth grade bully. BridgeGate perpetrator. Became famous for screaming at average citizens and little girls asking questions in town hall meetings. Feels better when he has scared everyone half to death. Might have won the Republican nomination in 2012, but has no chance in 2016.

And besides all of that, this man doesn’t even have an online store! I mean, look, if you’re not going to have a store, what’s the point of running?

John Kasich: Crotchety old man, pining for the glory days of the Eisenhower Presidency. Kind of has the classic Troubled Local Townsman With Drug Addict Son look going.

Rand Paul: “I’m not just a #randwagoner,” says Lucas S. “I made the decision to #standwithrand at the beginning, and I’m confident of a #randslide on February 1st.”

Unfortunately for the Libertarian Senator from Kentucky, it appears like the rest of the country #canthandletherandal. Perhaps that’s because Rand recently compared universal health care to slavery and came out against the Civil Rights Act.

OH HE SAYS TO SAY THAT IF YOU’RE READING THIS SO CAN THE NSA.

Mike Huckabee: Former governor of Arkansas, 2008 Iowa caucus winner, and human gingerbread house. Has steaming hot takes on Kim Davis, Beyonce, and gay marriage, and has maybe probably almost definitely advocated shooting President Obama before. Has never tasted beer.

Huckabee hasn’t gained much traction this time around, despite his fun jokes. He’s trying to turn out those Iowa evangelicals on the #Huckabus, but will probably be gone in a few weeks.

Rick Santorum: Joyless winner of the 2012 Iowa Caucus has had such trouble finding supporters in 2016 that Liam remarked, “Rick must consider talking to both of his parents at the same time a decently sized event.”

Carly Fiorina: Liam with some #sickburnz for Carly: “CARLY FIORINA IS PART OF THE 1%. NOT IN WALL STREET TERMS BUT IN I’M GUESSING THAT’S PRETTY MUCH WHAT SHE’S POLLING AT RIGHT NOW.”

Fiorina picked up a reputation for having a difficult relationship with the “truth,” and “honesty.” At least this campaign lasted longer than her reign at HP!

Here is the primary schedule, the polls, and, if you want to figure out which candidate you should support, a service that tells you who you align with on the issues. Enjoy!

*Yes I really named this the Presidential Primaries Primer.

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