Midwinter Conspiracy

by Graham O’Connor

Ah, Midwinter Madness, we finally meet again. It’s been a while since we’ve spoken — an entire year, in fact. I’ve missed your silly games and your tasty bake sale food. I’ve dreamed of your weird gorilla obsession and those disgusting-yet-delicious Crush sodas. A few days ago, I would have said that I loved you.

Except now, I know your game.

That’s right, people. Midwinter Madness has been lying to you. All that money you’ve spent? All those events you’ve attended? It was for nothing. Midwinter Madness isn’t going towards any charity. It’s going straight to the pockets of the Illuminati.

How do I know this? Well, let’s get down to brass tacks.

Midwinter Madness. You might noticed that bolded the “i” in “Midwinter.” That’s because the “i” is in the middle. You know what else has an “i” in the middle?


That’s right. Don’t pretend it’s not there — there’s a big smacking eye right in the middle of the triangle. But that’s not the only clue — triangles are also a symbol of the illuminati. So you might ask, where’s the triangle? Well, take a look at this:





Coincidence? I think not. So now we have two major pieces of evidence. You might say, what more do we need? Well, everyone knows that the Illuminati operate in threes. So what’s the third link?

Wait! I have an idea. Earlier I mentioned the gorilla. The gorilla — now how could this relate to the Illuminati? Well, for that, we have to take a look at some Illuminati rituals.

First off, we know it has to be in the winter. You know what ritual is in the winter? Yuletide. You know what people do during Yuletide? Let’s look at some traditions: Yuletide log, goat, and boar.




That leaves us with YULETDEGOTBOA. You know what that spells? Belated Got You

Aha! A hidden message. Belated Gorilla Got You. For anyone who’s ever seen the gorilla in gathering, you know that the music always starts earlier than the gorilla comes out, which means the gorilla is belated.

So there you have it. I have irrefutable proof that Midwinter Madness is a secret fundraising operation for the Illuminati. What do they want? What are they doing? Only time will tell.

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