The Situation Room: The Iowa Caucuses

by Abe Asher and Liam Wogan

The Situation Room is a serious new political chat column on The Dig in which we pay homage to our hero Wolf Blitzer and discuss the race for the White House. 

Abe: Liam, Monday was #CAUCUSDAY and it was TREMENDOUS.

Liam: Abe, thanks for having me on the show. i gotta say man #CAUCUSDAY to me is better than Christmas Day. Except instead of presents and stuff, we get Wolf Blitzer.

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Abe: Wolf is a #CAUCUSDAYLEGEND welcoming viewers in the United States and around the world. But even Wolf kind of fell apart on Monday night, it was too much.

Liam: Everybody fell apart last night, which is what is so beautiful about #CAUCUSDAY. Before we get into this heated and disgusting debate, should we address our sponsor?

Abe: Let’s address our sponsor.

Liam: Who exactly is our sponsor again? Was it the Democratic Party? Or was it Rand Paul? Or was it Fiber One Bars?

Abe: It’s this man. He’s always looking for some good PR.

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Liam: Of course. Our beloved sponsor, Jeb! who is somehow looking at the wrong camera even in this professional campaign photo.

Abe: JEB! CAMERA THREE! JEB! TURN TO CAMERA THREE!

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Liam: JEB! seems to be looking off into the distance, searching for someone to vote for him. Now, we could talk for hours and hours about Jeb!, but first we should address some of the other candidates. Ben Carson had one weird #CAUCUSDAY. Can he pull this election off?

Abe: There’s JEB! and then there’s ben. ben had a rough one, thanks to those hooligans who were #CRUZINtoCAUCUS and peddling the nasty rumor that ben was dropping out of the race WHEN IN FACT HE WAS JUST TAKING A BREAK TO DO SOME LAUNDRY.

Liam: EXACTLY! THE GUY IS STILL IN IT DON’T EVER COUNT A #CARSONPRESIDENCY OUT. Everyone has to do laundry Abe. I met my first wife doing laundry, actually. Funny story. But it’s for another time.

Abe: Where do we even start with this Iowa #CAUCUSDAY? First thing I want to know: WHO TANKED THE O’MALLEY EFFORT I’M TAKING NAMES. Never before had we seen a three-person race finish 50% to 50% to 0%.

Liam: Let’s admit it, we were all hoping for an O’MALLEY O’RALLY. But it simply didn’t pan out. Frankly, by the end of his campaign I get the feeling that they stopped inviting O’Malley to the Democratic Debates. He probably kept checking his mail looking for an invite, then had to call Bernie up for the details and had to bring his own lectern. The poor guy really got overshadowed.

Abe: Sure, O’Malley didn’t exactly catch fire. But all he needs to do to feel better is take a look at this strapping individual.

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Liam: HAHAHAHAHA brilliant. Santorum is pulling off the classic “My wife picked out these clothes for me and I wish I was at home right now playing Call of Duty on my Wii” look. Even better yet, check out this beauty.

AP GOP 2016 NEW HAMPSHIRE A ELN USA NH

Abe: Too much, too much, we’re not ready for Jim Gilmore. Folks, who had Gilmore outlasting Santorum in office pools? Santorum kind of lost it in the last few days, calling himself the Nick Saben of the race and getting this incredible footnote in the Washington Post: “It’s hard for any candidate to lose gracefully, but even within the large group of Republican also-rans, Santorum is going out in exceptionally bitter fashion.”

Liam: Devastating. Santorum really fell apart, buddy. I have to bring it up now that we’re in the ballpark: Jimmy Gilmore got 12 votes total in Iowa, Abey. The only way I can explain that is that he has 12 family members who live in Iowa.

Abe: BUT DID HE RECEIVE MORE OR LESS VOTES THAN HILLARY?

Liam: Screen Shot 2016-02-04 at 9.44.56 AM

Abe: How close was it on the Democratic side?

Liam: IT WAS SO CLOSE AHHHHHHHHHHH.

Abe: I WAS LOSING IT JUST RUNNING AROUND MY HOUSE SCREAMING GO BERNIE GO. It was so close that they just started flipping coins to determine winners at some of those controversial Democratic caucus sites.

Liam: It sure was I WAS SCREAMING AT THE TV IN THE LOUNGE OF MY DORM CHILDREN WERE RUNNING AWAY, GROWN MEN WERE RUNNING AWAY, PRIESTS WERE RUNNING AWAY FROM ME. #CAUCUSDAY IS WHAT WE LIVE FOR ABE. I thought for a bit there they might have to decide the Democratic Iowa Caucus with an infamous Bernie vs. Hillary game of rock paper scissors.

Abe: I love #CAUCUSDAY, I wish I was from Iowa. Know who else loves #CAUCUSDAY? Ted Cruz, who pulled off the upset in the Republican race. It meant a ton to him, and things got wild.

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Liam: Cruz weirdly won this one, leaving big Donald in second place. I’m sure if Donald can manage to squeeze in a few more elegantly offensive statements, he could climb back up to first.

Abe: Trump doesn’t #TRUSTED anymore, hitting the grandmotherly looking Texan with this massive accusation. BUT WAS THAT TAKE AS HOT AS THIS TAKE FROM THE SWEET SWEET DES MOINES REGISTER?

Liam: HAHAHAH I THINK I GOTTA GO WITH THE DES MOINES REGISTER ON THIS ONE THOSE PEOPLE AREN’T TAKING IT OVER THERE.

Abe: One more important point: Iowa #couldnthandletherandal.

Liam: Apparently, even old Rand Paul himself #couldnthandletherandal. Paul just recently decided to suspend his White House bid after the Iowa Caucuses, leaving only about 140 Republican candidates in the race. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us.

IOWA WINNERS: CLINTON (maybe?), CRUZ

UPCOMING EVENTS: NEW HAMPSHIRE #PRIMARYDAY on February 9th.

SOMETHING FUN: This stunning shot of Carly Fiorina’s caucus party!

 

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