by Jane Schlendorf
Last weekend, I attended my very first Timbers game. I was excited to go. The whole event was for my grandpa’s birthday, which was actually way back in December.
The night before the game, I texted my BFFL Abe Asher and asked him what I should wear. He said, “something green, Portland/Oregon related.” I relayed this to my mother, Julie (a.k.a. Jules) and she made a mental note — or so I thought.
When all five of us arrived at the game on Sunday at 12 PM, (John, Jules, Grandma Marjorie, Grandpa Edward, and I, because Jack was sick and Yinka L. has a horrible track record of checking his phone), I was slightly disappointed.
I wore my overalls to feel “Portland-y and Hipster,” as I had no Timbers gear, but Jules decided that she was going to wear heels and a black cocktail dress. John arrived decked out in St. Olaf gear (#umyaya) and Grandma was wearing a bright red shirt. The only one who appeared to be a true supporter was Edward.
I was also bummed to find out that Jules decided she did not want to have the “full experience,” and bought suite tickets. However, I saw that there was a serious selection of good food and my disappointment over quickly faded.
Let us keep in mind that I have no knowledge of the game of soccer whatsoever. I tried to text Abe to have him explain the game to me, as he was on the other side of the stadium having the full experience, but he never replied — so I gave him a live stream of my thoughts of the game. Here they are:
*BEFORE THE GAME*
Abe this is the more preposterous thing ever why are they watering an artificial turf
With a single hose, I might add
And it looks like twenty people are carrying a casket to center field
The game was supposed to start eleven minutes ago.
Oh good, the people with the hose are finished. Unfortunately, where they started is probably all dry now and in reality, they would have to start over or get some sprinklers for crying out loud
Oh, jk the casket was a circular flag
Ah the Canadian national anthem, it’s your song, Abe! (Editor’s note: This is the clean version of this text, which was not, in its original form, clean.)
DISCLAIMER: Abe in Paper Arts recently has written the Canadian National Anthem in calligraphy several times now.
Oh I thought Toronto was in Cleveland, Ohio for some bizarre reason, but its actually in Canada if you are wondering.
OH, THATS WHY THEY ARE SINGING THE CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM
*DURING THE GAME*
My grandfather told me that the bald guy in red plays for the national team. Too bad because maybe if he went to a bar and told people he played for the national team with a full head of hair, he would get a date. (Editor’s Note: He’s married.)
That kick just drew like the perfect flight of a golf ball
Ah, finally a shot went in!
Gramps said that was, “poor defending”
Oh goodness, a cloud of yellow and green was just released and now I’m praying for all people over there in white shirts rip their shirts
Nice man from the maple leaf country came over to see if the guy that got hurt was ok. That type of sportsmanship would never happen in 3A women’s basketball
MAN DOWN AGAIN
MAN DOWN AGAIN
This is sort of like the titanic, all men are sinking here
Now the timbers have been scored on and the small child in front of me is yelling, “noooo!”
I just realized that the last time I was in this stadium, it was for a Beaver’s baseball game
Now that was exciting stuff #gobeavs
*Abe replies: This is very entertaining, please continue*
I wore my overalls because you said to wear something, “Oregonian”
So far, only Edward and I have come back out for second half because everyone else has decided to engage in a Ted Cruz conversation
Ed just said, “He makes Donald Trump look good” which is slightly concerning
Oh the goalies switched now so I have the man dressed like a light bulb in front of me.
I just hope the guy with the hose realizes his water has for sure dried by now
That ball was just rejected by the goal itself almost as hard has the lost souls of the senior class have been rejected by the OES administration
HAHA DID YOU SEE THAT THE TEAMS ARE SPORTING CHRISTMAS COLORS?! FELIZ NAVIDAD
Number nine will be very disappointed when he wakes up tomorrow and this is a tie and not a win cause he missed that goal
MAPLE LEAF GUY DOWN
wow , the timbers player checked in on him
This is the most coridal game of sport ever
If he stands up, they should knock him back down #survivalofthefittest
“Liar, Liar, Liar” -Timbers Army
(ad lib) your pants are on fire, hanging from a telephone wire- jane schlendorf
OH MY GOODNESS
LET THEM EAT TURF
LET THEM EAT TURF
On all of those free kicks, they build the wall that Donald Trump dreams of.
The child in front of me really didn’t like that, so instead of screaming, “no”, this time she just screamed
I am a timbers fan now
Goodness, even lightbulb is up there in attacking position.
Where is the application to join the Timbers army
I want in.
I had a really good time at the Timbers game, though I also learned that maybe when it comes to professional sports, we should stick to attending golf events.
However, please don’t tell John this because in September he will be going to the Ryder Cup, which is only about 30 minutes away from St. Olaf, my future college.
*note, the Timbers did in fact win this game
**Lightbulb refers to the goalie which I learned is actually called a keeper, but this man was dressed like a popsicle