My Very First Timbers Game

by Jane Schlendorf

Last weekend, I attended my very first Timbers game. I was excited to go. The whole event was for my grandpa’s birthday, which was actually way back in December.

The night before the game, I texted my BFFL Abe Asher and asked him what I should wear. He said, “something green, Portland/Oregon related.” I relayed this to my mother, Julie (a.k.a. Jules) and she made a mental note — or so I thought.

When all five of us arrived at the game on Sunday at 12 PM, (John, Jules, Grandma Marjorie, Grandpa Edward, and I, because Jack was sick and Yinka L. has a horrible track record of checking his phone), I was slightly disappointed.

I wore my overalls to feel “Portland-y and Hipster,” as I had no Timbers gear, but Jules decided that she was going to wear heels and a black cocktail dress. John arrived decked out in St. Olaf gear (#umyaya) and Grandma was wearing a bright red shirt. The only one who appeared to be a true supporter was Edward.

I was also bummed to find out that Jules decided she did not want to have the “full experience,” and bought suite tickets. However, I saw that there was a serious selection of good food and my disappointment over quickly faded.

Let us keep in mind that I have no knowledge of the game of soccer whatsoever. I tried to text Abe to have him explain the game to me, as he was on the other side of the stadium having the full experience, but he never replied — so I gave him a live stream of my thoughts of the game. Here they are:

*BEFORE THE GAME*

12:40pm

Abe this is the more preposterous thing ever why are they watering an artificial turf

With a single hose, I might add

12:41pm

And it looks like twenty people are carrying a casket to center field

Who died?!

The game was supposed to start eleven minutes ago.

Ridiculous

12:49pm

Oh good, the people with the hose are finished. Unfortunately, where they started is probably all dry now and in reality, they would have to start over or get some sprinklers for crying out loud

12:52pm

Oh, jk the casket was a circular flag

12:54pm

Ah the Canadian national anthem, it’s your song, Abe! (Editor’s note: This is the clean version of this text, which was not, in its original form, clean.)

DISCLAIMER: Abe in Paper Arts recently has written the Canadian National Anthem in calligraphy several times now.

Oh I thought Toronto was in Cleveland, Ohio for some bizarre reason, but its actually in Canada if you are wondering.

OH, THATS WHY THEY ARE SINGING THE CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM

*DURING THE GAME*

1:04pm

My grandfather told me that the bald guy in red plays for the national team. Too bad because maybe if he went to a bar and told people he played for the national team with a full head of hair, he would get a date. (Editor’s Note: He’s married.)

1:13pm

That kick just drew like the perfect flight of a golf ball

1:16pm

Ah, finally a shot went in!

Gramps said that was, “poor defending”

1:17pm

Oh goodness, a cloud of yellow and green was just released and now I’m praying for all people over there in white shirts rip their shirts

1:19pm

MAN DOWN

1:20pm

Nice man from the maple leaf country came over to see if the guy that got hurt was ok. That type of sportsmanship would never happen in 3A women’s basketball

1:22pm

MAN DOWN AGAIN

1:26pm

MAN DOWN AGAIN

1:27pm

This is sort of like the titanic, all men are sinking here

1:39pm

Now the timbers have been scored on and the small child in front of me is yelling, “noooo!”

1:43pm

I just realized that the last time I was in this stadium, it was for a Beaver’s baseball game

Now that was exciting stuff #gobeavs

*Abe replies: This is very entertaining, please continue*

1:58pm

I wore my overalls because you said to wear something, “Oregonian”

2:01pm

So far, only Edward and I have come back out for second half because everyone else has decided to engage in a Ted Cruz conversation

Ed just said, “He makes Donald Trump look good” which is slightly concerning

2:02pm

Oh the goalies switched now so I have the man dressed like a light bulb in front of me.

2:04pm

I just hope the guy with the hose realizes his water has for sure dried by now

2:06pm

That ball was just rejected by the goal itself almost as hard has the lost souls of the senior class have been rejected by the OES administration

2:08pm

HAHA DID YOU SEE THAT THE TEAMS ARE SPORTING CHRISTMAS COLORS?! FELIZ NAVIDAD

2:11pm

Number nine will be very disappointed when he wakes up tomorrow and this is a tie and not a win cause he missed that goal

2:26pm

MAPLE LEAF GUY DOWN

wow , the timbers player checked in on him

2:27pm

This is the most coridal game of sport ever

If he stands up, they should knock him back down #survivalofthefittest

2:28pm

“Liar, Liar, Liar” -Timbers Army

(ad lib) your pants are on fire, hanging from a telephone wire- jane schlendorf

2:29pm

OH MY GOODNESS

LET THEM EAT TURF

LET THEM EAT TURF

2:31pm

On all of those free kicks, they build the wall that Donald Trump dreams of.

2:38pm

The child in front of me really didn’t like that, so instead of screaming, “no”, this time she just screamed

2:46pm

I am a timbers fan now

2:47pm

INCREDIBLE

ONIONS

Goodness, even lightbulb is up there in attacking position.

2:49pm

Where is the application to join the Timbers army

I want in.

—-

I had a really good time at the Timbers game, though I also learned that maybe when it comes to professional sports, we should stick to attending golf events.

However, please don’t tell John this because in September he will be going to the Ryder Cup, which is only about 30 minutes away from St. Olaf, my future college.

¡Ciao!

*note, the Timbers did in fact win this game

**Lightbulb refers to the goalie which I learned is actually called a keeper, but this man was dressed like a popsicle

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