by Thomas Hochman
Abe is gone, and everyone is just a little bit worried that the Pulitzer isn’t returning this year for the fourth year running.
Abe’s moved to a small cabin in Northern Minnesota to write poetry and to learn to play the musical saw, because, “Everyone knows you can’t be a good writer unless you go a little bit nuts”, so we’re not expecting him back until mid-November when he realizes that there’s no heater and the TV only plays reruns of obscure Russian hockey matches from 30 years ago. It will be at this point that he comes rushing back to find Jethro S, sitting comfortably in his old seat, writing tolf articles.
If you were around last year, you might remember Abe as the person who had 7 free blocks, and spent the day wandering the halls aimlessly in search of someone to talk to about soccer, or just Nathan C. You also might remember when, after a particularly controversial publication on the Dig, Abe was seen bravely taking responsibility by hiding behind the couch in Kara’s office as possibly-but-in-reality-not-actually angry faculty members walked by. It was not, however, until he stood up in chapel and declared himself the king of fun that he solidified his place as the greatest head editor for the Dig since it was created back in, well, 2013.
Things are not the same here, and the newsroom is panicking. Dig members Alex F and Graham O left us to start a rival newspaper, The Shovel, scaring us silly until they realized that starting a newspaper actually required work and returned to the institution that allowed Alex W to write a political article entirely in memes last year, and unity was restored.
So here we find ourselves, an army without its leader, facing the dubious task of covering the news for another year.
It won’t be easy, but with the knowledge that we may be journalism’s last hope, we’re putting the world on our shoulders, and continue to trudge onwards.