OES Men’s Soccer 2016: The Definitive Guide

by Thomas Hochman

If you’ve decided to wake up from underneath your backpack during gathering announcements at any point during the last month, or have overheard someone giggling about Sam B in white tights, you already know that it’s soccer season.

If you haven’t, nice work! For a brief synopsis of the sport that brought you Joel Gray getting kicked out for yelling at referees, and Sully looking confused on the sideline, please refer here: https://youtu.be/8F9jXYOH2c0?t=31

You may know me as the kid who looked like a banana sporting an all yellow kit for the first half of the season. For those of you who know our team better than, “that’s where people get to see Rosie”, you also probably know that I’m the goalkeeper. With that said, it’s time to turn the attention away from me (yeah, I’m bummed too) to take a look at the definitive guide to the 2016 OES Men’s Soccer Team.

Jonah “Jonuski” Song: Freshman. Girls varsity’s unanimous pick for player of the year. Cares far more about nutmegging players than scoring goals or winning championships.

Aidan White: Junior. Moral arbiter of the group chat hahaha jk he kind of just messes with me. Super excited to be able to spend more time around Petie Wogan. Loves Ollie Ulmer.

Ollie “The Freshman” Ulmer: Clocking in at around 3 foot 7 inches and 60 pounds, Ollie is quickly becoming a team legend, getting tossed around the soccer field like a tumbleweed in a tornado by manchildren more than double his size.

Brian “IReallyJustKickTheBallAsHardAsICanOnFreeKicks” Garten: Parading around the school with baby watermelons for calves, Brian bought a new pair of cleats at the beginning of the season, but decided to wear his 300 year old duct-taped boots instead. Pretty much the only reason we haven’t lost by 20 goals in every game this season.

Maxwell “IRunMarathonsOnRestDays” Park: Beast. Ultimate frisbee legend. Would take his shirt off in subzero temperatures. Runs the Beep Test backwards because he can.

Coach Adam Rappen: Would really rather be at one of those soft rock concerts that you see at the end of pharmaceutical commercials. Can be caught looking forlornly across the field at best friend and girls’ coach Andy Ryan.

Joel “TheTrueProfessional” Gray: Now you may be asking, “Thomas, Joel is a trainer, how could he be part of the coaching staff?” Thanks for asking! It’s storytime. It was OES homecoming night and we were all tied up against Catlin, and a penalty was called against us. Joel, having spent the first part of the game in a relative calm daydreaming about golf and looking at weather reports, freaked out.

Making stinging remarks like, “ahhhhh come onnnnnnnn” and “wow that’s a bad call lol,” Joel drew the ire of the sideline referee, and was threatened with red cards and getting kicked out. I imagine that 2 hours later he looked up what a red card was and became rather upset. Joel was arguably the MVP of that game – the Catlin coaching staff was quaking in their boots, finding themselves so strategically outnumbered.

That’s it for now. Stay tuned for more info on the greatest OES soccer team to have ever lost 9-0 on homecoming. Til’ next time.

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