By Thomas Hochman
In an effort to increase the number of serious articles written on the Dig, I’ve taken it upon myself to write this.
For some years now, teachers at OES have been puzzling over the huge spikes in student absences on Wednesdays. Given that many would agree with me when I say that I’m the best investigative journalist since Bob Woodward, I considered it my civic duty to do some Digging. These are the events of Wednesday morning, exactly as they happened.
7:58 AM: I’m perched in the alcove behind the Powerade. I think I’m sitting in Cheeto dust.
8:03 AM: No movement — I’m wondering if this isn’t a lead.
8:06 AM: Trevor J walks in and starts pacing furiously, muttering something about Crunchy Kit Kat bars. He grunts and hits the wall on the way out.
8:23 AM: Andrew C comes in and sits down in the little room, scratching his arms like crazy. He’s visibly upset. I’m puzzled and want to know more, but don’t give away my hiding spot.
8:49 AM: Andrew stands up and sprints to class faster than he disappeared from Science Fair last year.
9:00 AM: Someone starts refilling the vending machines.
9:01:30 AM: Nick C comes crashing in, screaming, “take my money!” as he furiously shoves quarters by the fistful into the coin slot. The room light turns on and I can see that he’s broken a sweat. Being in the room feels like getting caught between a lioness and her cub, and I do my best to stay quiet behind the now-shaking machine.
9:02 AM: Nick shoves twelve bags of Mike ‘n’ Ike’s into a trash bag and carries it out on his back. I wait a few seconds and dash out, not wanting to endanger myself further.
9:08 AM: I ask Charlie N, a close friend of Nick’s, if he has any idea that Nick has been hoarding Mike ‘n’ Ike’s. He tells me in secret that doctors have begged Nick to stop, warning that his sodium levels have already skyrocketed beyond what should be survivable. He says that when Nick heard this, he snarled at the doctors and ran out of the office, snatching the bowl of Halloween candies that they had laid out for their younger patients along the way in an attempt to hold himself over.
9:43 AM: All the Mike ‘n’ Ike’s are gone. Andrew is passed out in a corner with nine Mike ‘n’ Ike wrappers cluttered on the floor around him. Nick is nowhere to be seen. Refill Wednesday is over.
10:15 AM: In a further attempt to send the Dig up in flames, I start writing this.
Assuming Kara doesn’t fire me, til’ next time.