OES Varsity Basketball: Get to Know the Team

By Jethro Swain

After two years on JV, I was recruited by Pratt to play my final year on the varsity team. The recruiting process went something like this:

Pratt: “Jethro wanna play varsity or something,”

Me: “Yah I guess,”

Pratt: “Sweet,”

Now with only two weeks left in the regular season, I’ve cemented my name among the legends of the deep varsity bench with Aaron Cheng, Grady Macmillan, and Steven Wang.

With coaches Lauran Pratt and Matt Meyers, the varsity team is looking to reach new heights. They rival the talent and charisma of the 2014-15 JV team, and find themselves in a league that is up for grabs. Currently the team sits in 3rd place in the league, but still have four games left to play, so there are many wins left to grab.

The team is highlighted by senior star Simon M. He slashes defenses with his jump stops and fragile floaters. I was shocked this year to find that in our road game Subway sandwich orders, Simon hasn’t order flatbread, not even once.

The fellow shooting guard who lives in Simon’s shadow is Ian H. who the other day sent Clatskanie back into the dark ages by shooting their towns only working lights out with his 9/11 three point performance and 33 total points. On top of destroying Clatskanie he also shocked one of the students from Chemawa since he was the “first ginger she had ever seen.”

Next up we got my main man Jim L. No one truly knows how good of a basketball player Jim is since he went from not starting on JV2 his freshman year to immediately in the rotation sophomore year and then floating down to a spot next to me this year. Because of his roughly nine foot wingspan Jim is know for blocking kids so hard they lose their vision.

For those of you who don’t know Emerson L. isn’t actually good at basketball, he’s simply an undercover cop who’s pretending to be good. His true mission is to bust Pratt and Meyers for giving his players Performance Enhancing Drugs, but has found no conclusive evidence yet since no one but him has actually been good on the team in four years, so if anyone’s on steroids it’s him.

I actually take back my previous statement, if anyone’s on PED’s it’s Petie W., I mean have you SEEN his muscles. Petie plays soccer, basketball, and baseball for varsity teams, and he starts at all of them; the dudes an iron man, what can I say? However, it seems he may need to work on his cheering since the other day Coach Meyers felt that Petie wasn’t “good at cheering.” In response Petie let his inner Bostonian flare out and responded, “ya think ya funny or somethin’? Lemme take ya behind the bar and give ya a wicked fist in the kissa’.” Everyone was thoroughly confused.

The most intimidating on the team though definitely goes to Oren P., who, at 6’ 8” has been blocking kids with his elbows this season. Oren had a large desire to be on the team because he wanted to go to In N’ Out burger really badly when the teams took a trip to Medford, and I’ll always remember that because he somehow ate upwards of five hefty burgers and a couple orders of fries, and I was ready to pass out after one plain burger.

Someone else who likes food is Alex O., who has criticized something about my meal almost every time I have gotten food with him, especially when I get grape soda. Something he doesn’t like though is losing, or even just making mistakes in general. Alex is like medusa when he’s mad because he has long curly hair and makes me feel as stiff as a rock when he looks me in the eyes after he turns the ball over.

Alex is definitely happy to have his longtime friend Colby B. back from the Netherlands. Colby averages about two threes per game, probably around four assists per game, and averages twelve “white or black tights” text messages in the group chat per game, an OES record for attention put into undergarments beating out Sam B.’s previous record from soccer season.

Alex S., better known as “Slush” or “Slush Puppy” or “Princeton Man that isn’t Vineet”, is also happy for Colby’s return. The two of them infuriate the coaches with their aggressive banter on the court in practice. They argue similar to third graders who like each other, and often I’ll see Alex grab Colby’s hand while trying to “guard” him, and Colby definitely doesn’t resist it.

Don’t sleep on my man Shiva “Sheev” B., who, in his two years of varsity, hasn’t even gotten one chance at making a game winning shot after he hit two his last season on JV. Shiva and I play one-on-one every day in practice, and acts like I won every time, even though I know Shiva is good at math and knows he beat me by twenty points every time. I blame my losses on Pratt though because I always hear him from across the gym yelling, “Jethro have you tried going to your left hand? Oh wait, you can’t! Hahahahahaha.”

David B. loves playing one-on-one. He really just loves basketball. If David could he would play every minute of every game for JV2, JV and Varsity. He gets mad often because he feels he should “be playing 48 minutes a game and averaging a triple-double,” and we have to remind him that there are only 32 minutes in a high school game and triple doubles in 3A basketball don’t exist.

I would say the most improved player award should go to Andy S., because he’s been consistently putting in one to three baskets off the bench each game this season. That being said Andy is waiting for his chance to shoot threes. He’s been telling everyone that “I’m shooter but they won’t let me show it,” and if Andy does get the chance to shoot a three and makes it, he’ll tell Pratt “I told you so” so hard that Pratt will have to give up his coaching spot to Andy, and then we’d all be doomed.

Lastly there’s Luca P., the freshman, who I’m putting last and only giving one sentence because I know it will make him mad.

As you can tell the team is full of fun characters and a lot of talent, and I highly suggest coming and watching our games, as well as the girls’ games, because they are both a lot of fun to watch. We’ll be making a push for a league title and hopefully a top eight tournament berth, so help us out by cheering us on in the bleachers!

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