By Sahil Veeramoney
The highlight of Midwinter Madness, the school year, and perhaps even more anticipated than Migos’ Culture, is the Senior vs. Faculty Basketball game — dubbed “the clash of the titans,” eminent coach Chris Myers likes to remind us.
This year, the senior roster is looking especially formidable with abundant varsity talent like Emerson L., Shiva B., Emilie D., Jethro S., Andy S., Joan Marie H., Alex O., you get the gist, leading the charge. But despite this star-studded team, the road ahead looks to be plagued with challenges and filled with obstacles to surmount. Why you may ask? First of all, historically, the faculty tend to garner more donations than the seniors; so the score, which currently sits at about 45 for the seniors and 75 for the faculty, will be slightly lopsided from the beginning. Thus, as a completely objective writer, I urge seniors, underclassmen and, hey, even faculty to donate to our score.
Secondly, the seniors somehow have Alex F. as head coach. Yes, we are talking about the same Alex F. who started discussing Jamal McGee’s offensive awareness at length. Never heard of Jamal McGee? Well, that’s because Jamal McGee is a completely fake player who was made up by fellow lunch table-mate and science-fair virtuoso Vineet E. This was due to the latter’s frustration with Alex’s constant criticism of the Portland Trail Blazers without, at least in our table’s eyes, sufficient knowledge about the NBA. Turns out we were right, although Alex continues to vehemently repudiate these allegations.
Nonetheless, Alex is a smart man and apparently he has been staying up till the wee hours of the night studying intricate basketball stratagems and also watching renowned varsity assistant coach Matt Meyers’ in-game habits. In fact, Alex is so busy that when I inquired to see what he thought of the upcoming game, he was unable to respond. So, I asked fellow Dig writer and editor Jethro S. to get some student perspective. “I’m going to pull from half-court like LaMelo Ball and Emerson is gonna dunk, guaranteed, so Chris Myers better be shaking,” Jethro says. Faculty, beware — it seems as if there is no task that the Olympia17s will be hampered by.
On the other side of the court, led by fierce MWM advocate Chris Myers, are the faculty & staff. Now, I have made several attempts to get some insider information about the faculty but, for the lack of a better term, word on the street is simply non-existent. It seems after the loss of pivotal player Gary C., the faculty are in the phase of rigorous preparation, refusing to unveil their roster and denying to comment when questioned. All I have discovered is that my advisor, Liz Weiler, will be playing…I think. Also, we may see an appearance from Dallas-born Head JV Coach, Ed “Prep” Kirk, who, for some reason, shows up to this event and is poised to drop 30+. Besides this conjecture, everything is up in the air.
Although coach Myers—not be confused with the aforementioned assistant coach—was willing to relay the strong following message: “The faculty/staff team, collectively is kind of like Bill “The Hoodie” Belichick — We’re old, we’re grumpy, we have ginormous brains, we’re not above cheating, and we usually win.” He continues, “Uh, I guess in this analogy, the seniors are like Falcons coach Dan Quinn — young, aggressive, full of optimism and potential, fairly cheerful, and maybe not cagey enough to keep up with the old-timer. I’ll quote Clubber Lang from Rocky 3 for my pregame prediction: ‘My prediction? Pain.’ Interpret that as you wish. See you at the game.”
Undoubtedly, today’s Marquee Matchup will be a grueling, intense battle, and smack talk is reverberating from both sides as unencumbered as Niagara Falls’ water flow. Come out to the game so you can see whether it’s the seniors or the faculty who can put their money where their mouths are.
Additionally, here is an explanation of the Senior/Faculty Basketball Game’s purpose from Chris Myers who also prompts more donations for the seniors while intertwining some witty trash-talk.
“Do the seniors have a bulletin board? Well, here’s some bulletin-board material. The Midwinter Madness Senior-Faculty/Staff Basketball Game, which in its present form dates to 2004, is a very fun event–maybe one of the funnest of the school year. That’s nice, but the important thing about it is that it raises money for charity–this year for the Early Childhood Education School in Liberia. The senior-faculty game is traditionally the second largest Midwinter Madness fundraiser (after the bake sale). And by far the biggest part of the money raised by the game comes from the pregame fundraising competition, in which every $10 counts for a point on the board. Here’s the problem: the seniors so far have collected about a third of what senior classes typically bring in before the game–$425 compared to an annual average of about $1,200. That’s unfortunate, and hopefully the seniors will demonstrate their big-heartedness and amp up their fundraising before the game (parents and students can donate to the pregame fund right up until the moment the game starts). Because of course we want to raise as much money as possible, and I would hate to see the Class of ’17 go down in Midwinter Madness history as having served up the weakest sauce, fundraising-wise, in the annals of the senior-faculty/staff game. The real losers in that scenario would be the very young children of Liberia. I have a lot of faith in the Class of ’17 to fix this dire situation!”