Boys Varsity Soccer Rundown

by Mason Lee

Men’s soccer is really popping this year. Everyday each player works harder, faster, and intelligent-er. Here’s a review of each player for the defending Round of 16 champions.

1 – Andre Stendahl

Andre is really a hidden force. He has the boots with the most cleats on the bottom making him absolutely lethal on defense.

2 – Oliver Ulmer

Oliver Ulmer. Intelligent, witty, and most of all, medium-sized. Oliver brings an array of qualities to the field, most notable of which being his deep baritone voice and an ongoing beef with Andre. 

3 – Derek “OnlyFreshmanThatCanProperlyAcquireWater” Seneker

Great kid. Quiet kid. Great kid.

4 – Max “ShirtOffInSubZeroTemperatures” Park – Captain

The most ripped guy, but always manages to twist his ankles. “How does someone so athletic seem injured all the time???” – Probably Petie

5 – Nick “TheFirstTouch” Lund

If you want to see great goals come watch Nick play. At practice.

6 – Aidan “LegDay” White

Has made great strides on the clothing front since his ripped shorts last year.

7 – Petie “HeyDirtyDave” Wogan

Runs only when he has to… and sometimes still doesn’t.

9 – Brian “STAYSYNCHRONIZED” Garten – Captain

No matter where he is on the field, he is always shooting for goal. Gotta love that about Bri… whether it’s from midfield or the penalty spot, the intent (and the result) is the same.

10 – Jonah “TheSpeedDemon” Song

Loves to pull back to do a pull back and one more pull back just to make sure.

11 – Kennedy “NineRedCardsNoProblem” Balandi

Best footwork on the team.

12 – Henry “HairFlick” Giannini

Can’t do sprints with his back injury, but steps up like a champ to play backup-backup-goalkeeper at the end of practice. It makes sense don’t worry about it.

13 – John “DefinitelyKnowsWhatHe’sDoingAtAllTimes” Fitzhenry

Can always lighten the mood in a tense game when absolutely no one wants him to. Recently seen talking about the weather with ten minutes left at Catlin’s homecoming.

14 – Jason “OnlyTalksWhenHeWantsTheBall” Lim

Has a great shot, but doesn’t shoot.

17 – James “TheProdigy” Lawliss

“James is the best player on the team” – James Lawliss

19 – Evan “WearsAMattressOnHisArm” Hasson

Uses his cast strategically on defense. Doesn’t remember names, calls everyone “big man.”

23 – Ian “UpcomingStrikerPlayingGoalkeeper” Holzman

“I should’ve played this sport a long time ago” – Ian Holzman

24 – Alden “WEAREGOINGTOWIN” Felstiner

6’6”, but can’t head the ball

61 – Thomas “TheBestPuntOnTheTeam” Hochman


If you have never been to a game, here are some things you might expect:

“Well in” – Dave Rosenberg

Brian’s motivational speeches followed by long silences.

Committing hundreds of fouls two feet outside the box.

Make sure to come to a game!



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