by Mason Lee
Men’s soccer is really popping this year. Everyday each player works harder, faster, and intelligent-er. Here’s a review of each player for the defending Round of 16 champions.
1 – Andre Stendahl
Andre is really a hidden force. He has the boots with the most cleats on the bottom making him absolutely lethal on defense.
2 – Oliver Ulmer
Oliver Ulmer. Intelligent, witty, and most of all, medium-sized. Oliver brings an array of qualities to the field, most notable of which being his deep baritone voice and an ongoing beef with Andre.
3 – Derek “OnlyFreshmanThatCanProperlyAcquireWater” Seneker
Great kid. Quiet kid. Great kid.
4 – Max “ShirtOffInSubZeroTemperatures” Park – Captain
The most ripped guy, but always manages to twist his ankles. “How does someone so athletic seem injured all the time???” – Probably Petie
5 – Nick “TheFirstTouch” Lund
If you want to see great goals come watch Nick play. At practice.
6 – Aidan “LegDay” White
Has made great strides on the clothing front since his ripped shorts last year.
7 – Petie “HeyDirtyDave” Wogan
Runs only when he has to… and sometimes still doesn’t.
9 – Brian “STAYSYNCHRONIZED” Garten – Captain
No matter where he is on the field, he is always shooting for goal. Gotta love that about Bri… whether it’s from midfield or the penalty spot, the intent (and the result) is the same.
10 – Jonah “TheSpeedDemon” Song
Loves to pull back to do a pull back and one more pull back just to make sure.
11 – Kennedy “NineRedCardsNoProblem” Balandi
Best footwork on the team.
12 – Henry “HairFlick” Giannini
Can’t do sprints with his back injury, but steps up like a champ to play backup-backup-goalkeeper at the end of practice. It makes sense don’t worry about it.
13 – John “DefinitelyKnowsWhatHe’sDoingAtAllTimes” Fitzhenry
Can always lighten the mood in a tense game when absolutely no one wants him to. Recently seen talking about the weather with ten minutes left at Catlin’s homecoming.
14 – Jason “OnlyTalksWhenHeWantsTheBall” Lim
Has a great shot, but doesn’t shoot.
17 – James “TheProdigy” Lawliss
“James is the best player on the team” – James Lawliss
19 – Evan “WearsAMattressOnHisArm” Hasson
Uses his cast strategically on defense. Doesn’t remember names, calls everyone “big man.”
23 – Ian “UpcomingStrikerPlayingGoalkeeper” Holzman
“I should’ve played this sport a long time ago” – Ian Holzman
24 – Alden “WEAREGOINGTOWIN” Felstiner
6’6”, but can’t head the ball
61 – Thomas “TheBestPuntOnTheTeam” Hochman
“BSC ONLY GAVE ME TWO OTHER OPTIONS FOR A NUMBER AND THEY WERE EVEN WORSE OKAY?”
If you have never been to a game, here are some things you might expect:
“Well in” – Dave Rosenberg
Brian’s motivational speeches followed by long silences.
Committing hundreds of fouls two feet outside the box.
Make sure to come to a game!