Carp Takes The Golden Arches

by Andrew Carpenter

As Michael Keaton has shown us, McDonald’s is the greatest company in the world. But how well do you really know your favorite fast food chain?

Since the time that I started working at McDonald’s in late July, I have amassed a wealth of insider knowledge, considerable financial capital, and my own signature sandwich: the McCarpenterTM.

If my roughly 200 hours and $2,200 dollars, and 22,000 extra pounds made at McDonald’s has taught me anything, it is that UTB Enterprises LLC (this McDonald’s’ owner) truly cares. I am allotted one meal per day worth up to five whole dollars, but we’re not stopping there, because in addition, I get fully and absolutely unlimited access to our extensive collection of Coca-Cola brand soft drinks. While I have managed to stay relatively fit, or “stick-like” as Jack S. ‘18 prefers to call me, I may or may not have developed a strong affinity for our soft serve cones or my speciality sandwich. Over the summer I averaged about three cones per day and one McCarpenterTM.

Now since the McCarpenterTM has not been approved for production by UTB Enterprises, I continually have to order my specific modification of the base product, the famous McChicken. The recipe, for those interested, is as follows:

  1. McChicken
  2. Sub a sesame bun
  3. Sub leaf lettuce
  4. Add tomato
  5. Add bacon
  6. Add a slivered onion (this is optional but a major power move).

While many have unfortunately turned down the opportunity to go to their local McDonald’s and try this sandwich, one lucky man, Clay Hunter, elected to try my up-and-coming masterpiece.

According to Clay, the McCarpenter is a “masterful combination of the ingredients offered” and recommends that “anyone who does decide to spend their money on McDonalds should spend it on this sandwich… or an Oreo McFlurry.” Now while it may seem, by this point that this sandwich should have a Michelin star, I will admit there are some drawbacks. Clay stated that he “wasn’t huge on the onions” and that “it’s still McDonald’s.” Now I’m not really sure what he’s trying to say with the latter statement, but for those who aren’t really a fan of chicken, or sandwiches, or chicken sandwiches, or fun, I do also offer a signature McFlurry, the CarpFlurryTM. The CarpFlurryTM is simply a combination of the Rolo McFlurry and the Oreo McFlurry, being made up of a single shot of caramel with three shots of Oreo crumbs.

Now I understand that many of you may not be huge fans of McDonald’s or the food they produce, and while “scientists” and “smart people” will try and tell you that eating at McDonald’s is “highly damaging to your health” and “a poor life decision”, I will tell you that I have eaten an incredible amount of McDonald’s for the time that I have worked there, and if I am still standing here, as skinny as I always am, then clearly the food can’t actually be that bad. So I strongly urge each and every one of you, do you part, make your voice heard, and pull up to 9475 SW Beaverton Hillsdale Hwy on Saturday or Sunday between the hours of 12:00 and 18:00 and get the McCarpenter, you won’t regret it.

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