By Annie Watson
The National Sleep Foundation reported that 85% of teenagers do not get enough sleep. To maximize the amount of sleep we get, it’s important to know the best places to sleep at OES, and that’s why I have sacrificed my time and dignity to write OES’s 1st SAR. I’ll be judging areas on comfortability, temperature, darkness, privacy, size, and much more…
- MS Closet
Pros: private, dark if the door is closed, slightly warm.
Cons: smells like cardboard, but maybe you’re into that. Who knows.
Rated: Most Fragile 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: disperse your weight, or you will likely fall and die.
- US Mail Room
Pros: the packages can double as pillows, there are occasional relaxing printer noises, there are hot chocolate and cider mixes in the cupboards.
Cons: you’ll get thrown out.
Rated: “We’re Here for a Good Time (Not a Long Time)” 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: don’t snore.
- DC Computer Lab
Pros: soft lighting from computers, whirring computer noises, somewhat fits a person.
Cons: not soft, pretty chilly, not private.
Rated: Not Suitable for Cyberphobics 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: maybe just don’t sleep here. It’s not great.
- Great Hall Storage
Pros: private, dark if closed, somewhat warm.
Cons: door is heavy, and I don’t know what that red thing is, but it is not at all comfortable.
Rated: Best Hide and Sleep Spot 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: remove everything and put a couch or bed in there.
- Library Couch
Pros: soft, fits a human, always warm. Why is it always warm? Theory 1: the couch is constantly warm because people sit on it. Theory 2: the couch frame is made of radioactive materials banned in the U.S. in 1946. No one knows how old that couch is.
Cons: very real possibility of radiation poisoning.
Rated: Most Realistic Sleeping Option 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: BYOGC (Bring Your Own Geiger Counter)
- Art Room Couch
Pros: extremely comfy.
Cons: do you ever just think about how couches never really get cleaned?
Rated: Probably Still Worth It 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: don’t reach into the cushions if you want to keep that hand. It’s an art room and I’m pretty sure the 3 x-acto knives that didn’t get returned in 8th grade are still on the loose.
- DC Couch
Pros: close to math classrooms.
Cons: close to math classrooms.
Rated: closest to Math Classrooms 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: if you came to math too early, sleep here until it is time to walk to your math classroom.
- Chemical Closet
Pros: ~a e s t h e t i c~
Cons: smelled weird and I feel like I’m either going to die or get super powers.
Rated: Looks the Most Like a Crime Scene 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: look into a hazmat suit.
- Gravel Pit
Pros: fresh air, possible sunshine, spacious.
Cons: very sharp.
Rated: Feels Like the Time Your 9-Year-Old Cousin Said He Was Training to Be an Acupuncturist and Stabbed You in the Back with a Sewing Needle 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: don’t sleep here.
- MS Elevator
Pros: soothing elevator noises, fits a human being.
Cons: inconsistent movements, and hurried people might step on you.
Rated: Don’t Think About the Tower of Terror 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: look into paying a friend to press the buttons for you while you sleep. Bonus points if you get them to wear this.
- Outdoor Trash Cans:
Pros: I felt comfortable in the sense that I was with my own kind.
Cons: an approximately 6 inch layer of pollen.
Rated: Best for People without Allergies 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: lay your least favorite jacket down to prevent the pollen from impregnating itself into your skin.
I don’t know how pollen works.
- Weight Room
Pros: comes with a DIY Bed Kit™
Cons: DIY Bed Kit™ smells like sweat.
Rated: Bounciest 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: one yoga mat doesn’t really cut it, so bring your sewing kit and attach 2-3 mats together. If you can’t sew, bring me two yoga mats, one sewing needle, one spool of thread (your choice of color), one fresh AB- kidney (on ice), $600.00 (cash), and I’ll make it happen.
- Weight Room Bike
Pros: the handles and pedals felt secure, the cool metal feels good on hot skin.
Cons: not comfortable in the least, especially for collarbones.
Rated: You’d Only Crash Here if You Got 2 Hours of Sleep and Decided to Work Out 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: maybe it would be more comfortable if you pushed all the bikes together to lay on multiple seats? I’ll have to try it in the 2018 review.
- Lost and Found (by the Pit)
Pros: the clothes are soft.
Cons: I’m 47% certain there’s a severed limb in there. Seems like the kind of place.
Rated: Best Place to Cry Yourself to Sleep 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: if you’re feeling alone, unwanted, and lost, this is the place for you! The clothes feel like the hug you desperately need, there are free sweatshirts to cry into, provides that perfect “I want to curl up and die” feeling, will accommodate fetal position sobbing (if you move the lacrosse stick), and don’t worry, you won’t be woken up until you’re ready because pretty much no one checks the lost and found.
- Art Wing Chairs
Pros: pretty comfy.
Cons: squeaky leather noises…unless you’re into that.
Rated: Sleep Area Equivalent of These Shoes 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: I’ve heard that glycerin bar soap can get rid of squeakiness in leather, so rub a generous coating of soap all over your skin, hair, and clothes before sleeping here.
- Not-So-Hidden Library Shelf
Pros: feels very secure, 50% private.
Cons: 50% not private, and cramped.
Rated: Best for Sleepers with Unusually Hot Legs 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: the likely causes of burning legs are alcoholism, and/or chemical burns. To pinpoint which one of these is causing your legs to be hot, simply ask yourself these questions: Have I drunk copious amounts of alcohol recently? And have I been chemically burned recently? If the skin is over 50 °C, march your abnormally hot legs to the library. Or maybe a hospital. I’ve included directions to both.
- Library Aisle
Pros: close proximity to books.
Cons: you can’t read when you’re sleeping, and books don’t make great pillows.
Rated: Best for
Sleep Deprived People who Read at the Cost of Their Health Me 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: feel free to clutch your favorite book for comfort. It hasn’t been scientifically proven yet, but I’m 78% sure you’ll fall asleep faster.
- Random Empty Room in Farris Hall
Pros: smells nice.
Cons: I am approximately 0.1 mm from falling.
Rated: Livin’ on the Edge 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: take six or seven oxycodones and hot glue yourself in. There should be an outlet approximately 2 feet below the window sill.
- Tiny Chapel Bench
Pros: fresh air, vitamin D, natural sounds, and squirrel sightings.
Cons: you will be subjected to Portland weather, and if that doesn’t scare you (which it should), sleeping here is more uncomfortable than accidentally hitting a pregnant woman with a basketball twice in less than a minute. I really shouldn’t play sports.
Rated: Feels the Most Like a Chiropractor with Anger Issues Probably Stemming from a Rough Childhood 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: ask your doctor if you are eligible for a spine removal surgery.
- DC Dirt Box (I have no idea what it’s called)
Pros: fresh air, pretty solid calf support.
Cons: spines do not bend like this.
Rated: Most Painful 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: consider being boneless.
- Boiler Room: OES’s Very Own Dungeon
Pros: warm, great setting for a horror film.
Cons: dusty and cramped.
Rated: You Probably Didn’t Know This Existed 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: I would not advise sleeping here in March. It’s dust bunny mating season.
- Base Camp
Pros: very soft, somewhat dark, form fitting.
Cons: 96% certain all the clothing in there is from sleepy children who get sucked into the pile and never return.
Rated: 2nd Most Likely to Asphyxiate You 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: wear a snorkel mask. There’s probably one in the room. It has everything.
- Antique Trunk in Acting Room
Pros: soft, warm, dark, good for fetal position sleeping.
Cons: lack of oxygen.
Rated: Most Likely to Asphyxiate You 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: http://www.homebrewtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=71095&d=1344371520
- InvenTeam Room
Pros: there was a pillow lying on the floor.
Cons: the pillow was covered in sawdust.
Rated: Most Potential 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: all the tools to make a better sleeping area are in that room. If you’re into building stuff, I challenge you to make it better.
- Light Table
Pros: smooth, cool, fits a person.
Cons: very bright.
Rated: If You Can Actually Sleep Here, Put it on Your Resume 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: buy a sleep mask. (If you don’t know what movie that picture is from, you missed out on a childhood).
- Picnic Table
Pros: fits a human, minimal rainwater compared to some places cough, cough, DC roof, cough.
Cons: cold, wet, hard, kinda depressing.
Rated: Best Place to Wallow in Your Feelings Until You Fall Asleep 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: nurse that sadness by listening to your favorite sad songs (Examples: Everglow, O, Always in my Head, I’ll Follow the Sun, Gravity, Alfonsina y El Mar). If you want more sad music, I’m happy to give recommendations.
- MS Art Room Table
Cons: cold, hard, usually in use.
Rated: It is Indeed a Table 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: this is the third table I’ve slept on. Conclusion: they aren’t worth it.
- DC Science Library
Pros: fits a person, and there is an outlet to charge your devices.
Cons: those books are probably the worst pillow I’ve ever had.
Rated: You Probably Came in Here to Actually Study and Then Fell Asleep 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: if you’re not falling asleep as fast as you desire, pick up literally any book in there.
- Freshman Furbicle
Pros: backpacks can be used as pillows, close proximity to dining hall.
Cons: if the uncomfortability of the word “furbicle” isn’t enough to deter you from sleeping here, the loud noises, crumbs, and high possibility of being stepped on should.
Rated: I Don’t Think Furbicle is Even a Word 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: don’t sleep here. Also, here are the only 2 things that come up on Google when you search for “furbicle”:
- The Pit
Pros: pretty much fits a person, chairs are smooth and cool.
Cons: not soft.
Rated: It’ll Do, I Guess 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: if you want to get to sleep faster, come with the sheet music to Baby by Justin Bieber when a class is in session and ask them to sing it. Your body’s natural self preserving functions will assess the sound and render you unconsciousness for your own safety. Warning: the Slieber Effect only works on 82% of the population. If you are a part of the other 18% you may experience tympanic membrane perforation, foaming at the mouth, temporary paralysis, feeling of impending doom, and/or death.
- MS Roof
Pros: surprisingly easily accessible. I just walked up to the MS office and asked for the key.
Cons: there are stairs, and it’s usually wet, cold, and windy.
Rated: Not Suitable for Acrophobics 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: bring shades if it’s bright. Bonus points if they’re these:
- Stump Circle in the Forest
Pros: spacious, bird noises, circular seating for occult events.
Cons: vulnerability, bird noises are actually quite ominous.
Rated: 2nd Best Place for a Human Sacrifice 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: refer to a Satanic Holidays calendar to know when not to sleep here.
- Odd Pentagram by the Back of the Chapel
Pros: if Sabrina is bored enough, she will hold an umbrella over you while you sleep.
Cons: the star thing is actually pretty spiky.
Rated: Best Place for a Human Sacrifice 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: sleeping here is fine, just don’t chant “Gur Yrtb Zbivr jnf orggre guna gur Yrtb Ongzna Zbivr” or “Wnzvr Pnzcoryy Objre jnf pnfg cresrpgyl nf Wnpr Jnlynaq.” Then you might actually be in danger. (Bonus points if you understand demonic languages. Come find me and tell me what they mean, and I’ll get you chocolate).
- Roof of DC
Pros: good view.
Cons: you can’t enjoy the view while you’re sleeping, and the ground is 90% puddle.
Rated: Most Like a Spacious Kiddie Pool 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: people don’t drink enough H2O these days, so instead of wasting all that glorious roof water, grab a straw from the Dining Hall and give your body what it truly needs: 6+ liters of polluted rain. Save the straw. It will be useful later.
- Maintenance Cart
Pros: the seat is padded, and you can drive away if you have keys.
Cons: usually no keys.
Rated: Fastest Getaway 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: watch all 7 seasons of MacGyver. After that you won’t need keys.
- DC Trophy Cabinet
Pros: very private, easily accessible.
Cons: cramped, possibility of suffocation.
Rated: I Totally Thought It Would be Locked 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: to ensure you won’t suffocate, simply drill a hole in the cabinet, and stick that straw you saved through the hole so that it does not protrude on the outside. Good luck.
- Belltower Tree
Pros: natural, good lumbar support.
Cons: wet and dirty.
Rated: Most like Page 11 of The Giving Tree 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: bring a raincoat. It’s Portland.
- Vending Machines
Pros: good view, very close proximity to food, very close proximity to AED.
Cons: not comfortable save for the emotional comfort of being close to snacks, the ~2 calories you burn climbing up there will be quickly regained with snacks, and it’s very dusty, but my jacket picked up most of it.
Rated: Best Place for Hungry/Weak Hearted Sleepers 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: unless you can vertically jump seven feet, get bitten by a radioactive spider or bring a ladder. Your choice.
- High Window in Bathroom
Pros: warm, private to people with bad observational skills.
Cons: dusty, occasional flushing sounds, bright.
Rated: Artsiest Sleeping Area 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: don’t fall.
Pros: pretty much nothing, idk, there’s oxygen.
Cons: the mats smell like sweat, very loud when gym is in use, no privacy, it’s not soft, and there are enough crumbs in the bleachers to make a Hansel-and-Gretel-esque trail to Mexico and back.
Rated: Not Worth It 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: bring a fully charged Shark Cordless Hand Vacuum with Twister Cyclonic Technology™
- Middle of great hall
Pros: white noise, pretty warm.
Cons: not gonna lie, it was slightly sticky, the white noise was very loud, not soft, and a 74% chance of being trampled.
Rated: Best for Sleepers with Flexible Ribs 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: Look into these pajamas.
- Chapel Pew
Pros: there’s a cushion.
Cons: God is watching.
Rated: Perfect for Misotheistic Sleepers 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: if you can, sleep like this.
- Dig Room Shelf
Pros: private, dark, smooth, cool, and no one on the Dig can see you.
Cons: not soft, may induce claustrophobia.
Rated: Best Place to Avoid Writing 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: sneak in during break.
- Bowling Ball Drop Zone
Pros: soft, warm.
Cons: very sandy.
Rated: Most Like That Time You Fell Asleep at the Beach Minus the Sunburn 2017
Annie’s Tips & Tricks: do not breathe in sand. No bueno.
Click here for the honorable mentions. Email firstname.lastname@example.org to request creative areas for the 2018 SAR! Thank you Bevin Daglen, Kara Tambellini, Peter Bloch, Justin Dao, Andrew Carpenter, Will Perry, Sabrina Bee, and Rod Maynard for helping make the SAR happen. Sweet dreams, everyone.