by Annie Watson
High school can be a confusing time. If you need advice, but don’t want to ask for it in person, consider dropping a question in the “Ask Annie” bucket which will be stationed outside of the Upper School Office after Thanksgiving Break. I’ll write you an article giving my two cents, and hope that you don’t file a lawsuit. Without further ado, here is the first installment of Ask Annie:
Recently I’ve found myself craving human flesh. Am I a zombie? Should I tell my family?
Don’t worry, this is a surprisingly common problem. If your cravings persist, just hit up your local black market deli. Stay away from human brains though, as you could contract kuru, or transmissible spongiform encephalopathy (aka TSE or Human Mad Cow Disease). While I was researching TSE for you, I found out that the main psychiatric symptoms are anxiety, depression, and social withdrawal, but I’m not certain that last one should be counted ‘cause it seems like you’ve gotta be pretty socially withdrawn already before you start eating human brains, but I’m no expert. Also, I sincerely doubt that you are a zombie. The CDC did a thorough job of exterminating all zombies and destroying all evidence from the 2015 outbreak, so you should be good. And lastly, no, you should not tell your family. I can tell you from personal experience that this will backfire. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have brought it up while washing the knives, but nobody’s perfect. If you need help choosing a quality meat dealer, my guy Kenny is top-notch. Walter’s prices are lower, but his gastrocnemii have a nasty formaldehyde aftertaste that doesn’t bake out. Also, Plzkeepanon, qualified people like Jason Hayes or Lizette Borreli might tell you that what you’re doing is wrong, morally and culinarily disgusting, or seriously not okay, but stay true to yourself. Haters gonna hate.
Kenny’s phone number is 605-475-6968. Just don’t call him between 6:00 am to 2:00 pm ‘cause that’s his Walmart shift.