Ask Annie #2

by Annie Watson

Dear Annie,

I want to pierce my ear, but my parents won’t take me to a piercing parlour. What should I do?

-anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Not gonna lie, I only skimmed a few at-home-piercing articles to prepare my response, but I’ve seen The Parent Trap 6+ times, so I’m pretty much an expert. After reading over a horrendous wikiHow article, I realize there are many mistakes commonly made in at-home-piercings. I would berate the author(s), but none is listed. For all we know they could be a grossly unqualified 9th grader, so thank goodness you’ve come to me instead. Here, Anonymous, is the correct way to pierce your own ear:

1. Sterilize the piercing needle

Inexperienced piercers will tell you that sterilization is to “kill bacteria,” but all medical professionals know that it is actually to banish the needle demons.
Screen Shot 2017-11-29 at 10.28.17 PM

To sterilize the needle:

  • Set it on the floor (sharp end pointing east)
  • Pour a star shape around it with lighter fluid whilst counting backwards from 666
  • Whisper the name of your most recently deceased relative
  • Toss in 4 bird bones (optional)
  • Toss in 6 deer teeth (not optional)
  • Strike a match, and toss it in.

At this point, it should look something like this:

Screen Shot 2017-11-29 at 10.28.34 PM

Once the fire has burned for four hours and twenty minutes, sprinkle a handful of salt on each of the five points of the star, and put the remaining flames out with holy water. If you can’t find the needle in the satanic mess you just made, enlist the help of a metal detector or niffler.

2. Clean the ear

Repeat step one with the ear Just kidding. A nitric acid scrub is best.

3. Numb the ear

Some people use ice, but I prefer industrial-strength moose tranquilizers. Pretty sure there’s a sale going on right now at http://www.canadianstereotypes.eh, so get ‘em while they’re hot.

4. Place cork or soap behind the ear

Or any soft material that will serve as a barrier between your hand and the ear, unless you want a free hand piercing and the possible transmission of a blood disease.

Screen Shot 2017-11-29 at 10.28.46 PM

5. Position the needle

Little known fact: needle positioning is most effective when you put the needle over where you’re going to pierce. Who knew?

6. Stab

If you’re feeling a bit scared to push a needle through someone’s earlobe, just be grateful you’re not the one with nitric acid burns lying heavily sedated on a charred floor scattered with deer teeth and salt 👍

7. Insert earring

I’ve found it’s best to complete this step after piercing the ear, but just do whatever makes most sense for you.

If you’ve read this article and decided that at-home-piercing is not for you, you can get it done by piercing gun at Claire’s, the home of piercing infections, copious amounts of glitter, and 6 to 10-year-old girls. Hope your piercing goes well.

From,

Annie

P.S.

I recommend having your primary care physician’s phone number on speed dial ASAP.

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