The Tale of Four Eggnogs From Fred Meyers and One Really Okay Shake

By Andrew Carpenter and Jack Morissette

As one of McDonald’s top chefs in the country, I feel fairly confident in my ability to assess the quality of any culinary spectacle I can get my hands on; and today that was eggnog.

After receiving permission from higher powers to leave campus during the activity period on Thursday, myself and Jack Morissette, journeyed to the local Freddies for a late morning eggnog conference. As it turns out, eggnog is quite expensive but the funds acquired through the Oregon Eating Society (link at the bottom) allowed us to conduct this great journalism campaign. Upon arriving at the section allotted for eggnog, we discovered a measly four flavors available to purchase, two of which were not real milk; needless to say, Chris Myers would be disappointed.

Having gotten the near $20 of eggnog, we directed our odyssey towards the local McDonald’s (a fine dining establishment for children and adults of all ages) where we bereaved the restaurant of one of their palatable McCafé Eggnog Shakes®. Unfortunately we were not able to receive the deserved discount on the shake and were forced to pay a ludicrous two dollars and fifty-nine cents before we could gloriously return to our people at the Dig.

Upon arriving at the lunch table with the nog, people began to swarm like savages around the ethereal drink. After restoring order, we brought over several cups and proceeded to indulge in a manner so filled with glutiny, barely any nog was left standing. What follows is an accurate detail of the events that occurred between 12:50 and 1:05 in the lunch hall.

Thomas H. ‘19 hissed and withdrew from the coconut and almond nog as he possesses a lethal allergy to such ingredients. Jacen W. ‘19, a fool, commented on the similarity between the Horizon Eggnog and jolly ranchers. There was no such similarity; the Horizon Eggnog was reminiscent of cough syrup and children’s tears. Alma N. ‘19 surged over from the other table, promptly snatching the coconut nog and downing it. Charlie N. ‘19, tank, abruptly and without warrant, proclaimed that his favorite nog was coconut, followed by the Organic Valley brand and the Almond Breeze. Vernon ‘Small Legs’ Cowell ‘19 hates eggnog and refused to try any of the flavors despite the interminable chants to “drink the nog!”

The chaos having concluded upon the removal of the eggnog, the members of the Oregon Eating Society held a seminar to determine which nog was the best nog. After lengthy and frankly unfounded claims by Jacen and an astounding comparison by Elliot N. ‘18 between the McDonald’s shake and the well established eggnog of Alpenrose, the OES concluded that Organic Valley was by far the choice nog for this year.

We here at Oregon Eating Society would like to ask each and every one of our readers to head over to the Nog Fest after school on Friday. Here ends the reading.