Ask Annie #4 *Extended Edition*

by Annie Watson

This week I’m answering 12 community questions.

Quattro from the 12th grade writes:

I have a friend that’s running a advice column and is writing her own questions. I am morally conflicted and not sure what to do, please help!


Dear Quattro,

Notify the authorities immediately. There’s no way I’m gonna leave this freak on the streets. There’s a special place in hell for people who occasionally make up their own questions for the sake of comedic writing. What a sicko.

Thank you for raising awareness,

Annie


Elizabeth from the 9th grade writes:

I wanna be cool.

Ask Annie #4-1


Dear Elizabeth,

So do I, dude. As I see it, there are four options:

  1. Identity theft
  2. Turning on the AC
  3. Realizing your unique characteristics, qualities, and self worth
  4. Approaching a Cool Person™ and inquiring about an apprenticeship (Examples: Art Ward)

Good luck,

Annie


Anonymous writes:

What is your body count?

Ask Annie #4-2


Hi Anonymous,

Assuming you mean the total number of people I’ve killed, and not the urban dictionary definition, I’d have to go with 17, though 2 were manslaughter. I have since then quit cliff photography and baking.

-Annie


Anonymous writes:

If you had 8 kids (5 bros, 3 little ladies), what would you name them?

Ask Annie #4-3


Dear Anonymous,

Bros:

  1. Strychnine Hellfire Watson
  2. Skully Footslam Watson
  3. Arsenic Gutwrench Watson
  4. Clavicle Hazard Watson
  5. Jet Battleaxe Watson

Little ladies:

  1. Alfonsina Catbite Watson
  2. Veronica Gangrene Watson
  3. Gillany Glock Watson

Anonymous writes:

Good make-out spots in the upper school?

Ask Annie #4-4


Hey Anonymous,

Nice try, but no way am I giving up the good spots that easily. Also, I was going to say that kissing isn’t allowed at school, but the only time it’s mentioned in the All School Handbook is on pg. 9 and it only says that “offensive or unwelcome touching, pinching, grabbing, kissing or hugging” is prohibited.

Ask Annie #4-5

-Annie


Anonymous writes:

I’m in love w/ someone, but they don’t like me. What do I do?


Hey Anonymous,

Sorry to hear that. I can definitely relate. I think everyone has their own way of coping with unrequited love, like trying to ignore their feelings, binge eating saltines and strawberry Häagen-Dazs, blowing away large portions of their college fund and inheritance on high-stakes poker, relishing in the pain and distraction of Portland’s teen street fighting scene, and choosing a science research project studying suturing so they can get the materials and practice they need to skip a trip to the ER and patch themselves up on the school’s dollar. It’s all normal 👍

Ask Annie #4-6


Anonymous writes:

How much would you pay to know my #?

Ask Annie #4-7


Well, you left this anonymous…so I’m just going to have to assume you’re young James McAvoy, Henry Cavill, Peter Parker, young Matt Damon, Ezra Miller, or Jess Mariano, so, a lot. Examples: $3000, never being able to eat saltines again, cutting off my left pinkie finger with no painkillers, and/or burning my favorite hoodie.

-Annie


tfw no gf writes:

Hi Annie, I really like this girl, but I’m scared to ask her out ‘cause she’s a grade ahead of me and I know I’ll be devastated when she graduates. Thoughts?

Ask Annie #4-8


Hey,

This is maybe my first time giving real advice, but I think it’s worth it to spend time with someone you like and end up missing them, than never ask them out at all. Idk, but it sounds worth the risk.

-Annie


Anonymous writes:

What is the best way to woo you?

Ask Annie #4-9


Dear Anonymous,

The best way to woo me is to make eye contact with me from across a room, slowly make your way towards me, lean in close, tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, and give me your best impression of a whale mating call at full volume. There’s honestly nothing hotter than that. Whatever you do, don’t make me laugh, talk about how amazing BBC Sherlock or Gravity Falls is, tell me about your favorite song/movie/book and what it means to you, or ask me if I want to play air hockey.

-Annie


Anonymous writes:

Buckets!

Ask Annie #$-10


Hi Anonymous,

Little known fact: questions usually have a question mark and at least one verb 👍

-Annie

P.S.

Your kindergarten teacher would be ashamed of you.

Ask Annie #4-11


Anonymous writes:

What is the worst jelly bean flavor?

Ask Annie #4-12


Dear Anonymous,

Cinnamon, hands down. They’re way too spicy. I don’t know how you tolerate Pain™ the Flavor, but my family is pretty much this, so it annoys me so much that cinnamon looks just like the cherry ones. Because of this, I have given up jelly beans all together. It’s just not worth the betrayal and pain.

Ask Annie #4-13

-Annie


Anonymous writes:

Why do my teachers hate me?

Ask Annie #4-14


Dear Anonymous,

Hopefully this Why Does My Teacher Hate Me? Checklist can help you pinpoint the problems.

  • Have you ever run late to their class?
  • Have you ever fallen asleep in their class?
  • Have you ever accidentally written, “your subject makes me want to eat broken glass” instead of (y-6)2 on an exam?
  • Have you keyed their car recently?
  • Have you called their mom and acquired embarrassing childhood photos of them that you then shared with the class?
  • Have you ever accidentally called your teacher Satan?
  • Have you ever accidentally set fire to an exam, causing the smoke alarm to sound and the sprinklers to soak and ruin everybody’s almost completed tests?

Any one of these common mistakes could cause your teachers to dislike you.

-Annie


If you have a question (lookin’ at you, Bucket Guy), the Ask Annie Bucket is outside the US Office again 👍

2 thoughts on “Ask Annie #4 *Extended Edition*

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