Why Log Cabin Lite Syrup is the Worst

by Annie Watson

If you’re gonna drown your sorrows in a 12-pack of toaster waffles, at least do it right.

*Be warned, graphic content ahead*

I was raised on artificial maple syrup, so the natural stuff just tastes weird, but when it’s the only thing around, it’ll do. However, I cannot excuse the atrocity that is Log Cabin Lite.

Watson_LogCabin#1

Putting this on your Eggos is like using ketchup instead of marinara sauce, like blowing your nose with printer paper, receiving a handshake like this, or playing golf with the other end of the club.

Me with Log Cabin Original:

Watson_LogCabin#2.gif

Me with Log Cabin Lite:

Watson_LogCabin#3
Note: this footage of me is real and actual and not taken from the internet.

If I wanted to be healthier, Pinnacle Food Service, I wouldn’t be buying syrup, so don’t coax me into buying something that will make me feel slightly healthier, only to make me realize I’m still eating waffles for dinner.

Additionally, anything that has “lite” at the end of it is inferior to its original, if you disagree, fight me. Evidence: Cool Whip Lite, Coke Light, Bud Light. Cut your losses and stay away.

Note: Log Cabin Lite and log cabin lights are very different. Hopefully this graphic helps you know what to avoid:

Watson_LogCabin#4.png

If you are still looking for a low calorie syrup alternative, here are some better tasting options to consider:

  • Water
  • Dirt
  • Antifreeze
  • Actual human blood
  • Bleach
  • Burning hot candle wax
  • Hand sanitizer
  • Lotion
  • Elmer’s glue (Mini story: in 1st or 2nd grade, my mom taught the Sunday School lessons at my church, so being a doctor and all, she decided to bring pictures of leprosy to explain it to the 7-year-olds, because apparently that seemed like a good idea, and the next day at school I somehow got Elmer’s glue on my arm, and when it dried it started to peel a bit and I thought it was my own skin, and long story short I had to explain to the EC people that I needed my inhaler, mid panic attack because I thought I was a leper).
  • Skim milk
  • Bone hurting juice
  • The hair off of the floor at Supercuts
  • Perfume samples (I’m almost certain that sitting down at a neatly-set table with your family, karate chopping a bottle of Log Cabin Lite through a glass window, and spritzing a h*ckton of perfume onto some waffles will be the 2018 winter ~aesthetic~).
  • Sunscreen
  • Scotch
  • 7-Eleven nacho cheese
  • Heavily chlorinated pool water

…or even…

  • Clamato (I wish I were kidding. This stuff is real, my dad has drunk it, and I’m pretty sure all the water features in Hell are filled with it).

In conclusion, save yourself by never buying Log Cabin Lite, and do your civic duty by spreading the word.

#fightthelite ✊

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