OES Tinder?

by Annie Watson

In the fall of 2017, Cindy D. ‘21, a 9th grade CoBo Rep, won our vote with a brave promise–the promise that if she was elected, she would create a freshman matchmaking website. This bold idea quickly acquired the nickname, “OES Tinder” and filled our hearts with anticipation and hope. The freshman class was understanding when the website was not completed before Semi on January 3rd, and accepted the consolation that it would be up and running for Prom. But here we are, fifteen days away from the dance, @oespromasks in action, with no website. As I see it there are five possible solutions to this travesty of justice. Only two involve violence.

1: We Take Matters into Our Own Hands

Someone (e.g. myself) whips up a “tell me your crush” google form and delivers the results by themself. I believe I am the best candidate for this assignment as I am practically a third party (as no one aware of my personality would list me as a crush) and confidentiality is not a problem (as I have no friends to tell your secrets to).

2: We Actually Just Use Tinder

Okay so I just downloaded the app. Looks like we’d all have to mark our age as 18 as that is the lowest accepted age, but I guess that’s not a problem ‘cause I saw a few profiles from OES juniors…

3: We Try to Accept That it Really do be Like That Sometimes

In this scenario, there would likely be an acute depression epidemic. The five stages of grief would hit us like the Plagues of Egypt. Those prone to addiction, such as myself, may resort to substance abuse. Amanda’s office would be packed and she would probably run out of Hi-Chews™ again. Chaos would ensue. Violence would be imminent.

4: Revolution

We overthrow all student government and I assume the role of new leader. I’m thinking a religion-centered benevolent dictatorship with Art Ward as our deity.

5: CoBo Finishes the Website ASAP and Nobody Gets Hurt

This one isn’t my favorite, but it works.