How to Make it Down SPARC Hill Alive

by Annie Watson

Forest fires. Earthquakes. The American depression epidemic. The absence of chocolate milk in the dining hall. These are a sampling of the perilous possibilities and realities that we, as youth in Oregon, face. Though each of these problems can prove fatal, none hold a candle to the dangers of SPARC Hill.

Knowing the Enemy:

SPARC Hill is the godless gravel path connecting OES to its Sport and Recreation Center (SPARC). Established by Satan, himself, the hill starts at the border between pavement and gravel beside the boy’s dorms, and ends at the paved walkway next to the SPARC building. “What’s so bad about the hill?” you may ask. SPARC Hill is creepy to walk down, especially when alone and/or in the dark.

In the following table, I will discuss measures of precaution you can take to reduce fear and/or keep safe from possible threats (i.e. bad guys lurking in the shadows).

Things to Reduce Fear/Stress Things to Fight Off a Threat
A paper bag.

  • Breathing into a paper bag can reduce hyperventilation from nervousness.
  • Carrying a paper bag labeled “Anthrax” will very likely concern predators.
Pretending you are God.

The Big Man is never nervous.

Wearing AXE Body Spray. This nearly lethal smell will physically incapacitate anyone trying to approaching you. It is, surprisingly, legal.
A sock full of quarters.

  • It’s a classic, homemade method of defense.
  • Studies show eating reduces stress, but gaining weight can increase it. However, by eating quarters (a zero calorie snack), you can, as American philosopher, Hannah Montana, put it, “get the best of both worlds”.
  • Consuming large quantities of quarters will make you heavier, and harder to lift into an unmarked van.
  • If you have already been kidnapped, you can attempt to purchase your freedom with remaining and/or regurgitated quarters.
Listen to Music. Listening to music can reduce fear. Good song choice: Safe and Sound by Capital Cities. Bad song choice: Serial Killer by Lana Del Rey. Becoming a threat, yourself. Why be the kidnapee, when you could be the kidnapper? By being a kidnapper, you can combine forces with other kidnappers. Who knows, you might make a lifelong friend.
Throwing projectiles.

  • You could hit possible threats.
  • Rage rooms (places you pay to get to throw breakable objects at walls) have become a thing for a reason. Throwing projectiles at any and every moving thing in your periphery can release stress.

Possible projectiles include:

  • Ceramic dinner plates (see 0:52 of this for practice).
  • Bar darts (if you lack morals and have a purse, they’re free).
  • Golf balls (if your grandma lives right next to a golf course, and has (for years) invited you to Easter, never actually put out Easter eggs, but instead had you fish all the golf balls from the bushes and under the porch, this is the option for you).
  • My personal favorite: a rock from the hill, wrapped in paper evidence you need to hide from your parents, set aflame. Paper evidence may include: hotel receipts, court transcripts, your middle school diary pages and your child’s birth certificate, your parents’ unforged will, or returned precalc tests.
Avoiding caffeine. It can make you more jumpy and scared. Embracing caffeine. The more stimulants in your system, the better. “But Annie, meth is bad for your liver.” True, but what is worse for your liver is being dead in a ditch.
Hiring a Personal Bodyguard.

  • They’ll fight off any threats.
  • Their presence can provide peace of mind.
  • For just $4.99 a trip, I’ll protect anyone who wants to make it down from SPARC hill alive. My qualifications include: 11 years of teen street fighting experience, the 2014 Mr. Universe title, and infant CPR training. Email for booking.

Thanks for reading. Stay safe.

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