by Annie Watson
Forest fires. Earthquakes. The American depression epidemic. The absence of chocolate milk in the dining hall. These are a sampling of the perilous possibilities and realities that we, as youth in Oregon, face. Though each of these problems can prove fatal, none hold a candle to the dangers of SPARC Hill.
Knowing the Enemy:
SPARC Hill is the godless gravel path connecting OES to its Sport and Recreation Center (SPARC). Established by Satan, himself, the hill starts at the border between pavement and gravel beside the boy’s dorms, and ends at the paved walkway next to the SPARC building. “What’s so bad about the hill?” you may ask. SPARC Hill is creepy to walk down, especially when alone and/or in the dark.
In the following table, I will discuss measures of precaution you can take to reduce fear and/or keep safe from possible threats (i.e. bad guys lurking in the shadows).
|Things to Reduce Fear/Stress||Things to Fight Off a Threat|
|A paper bag.
|Pretending you are God.
The Big Man is never nervous.
|Wearing AXE Body Spray. This nearly lethal smell will physically incapacitate anyone trying to approaching you. It is, surprisingly, legal.|
|A sock full of quarters.
|Listen to Music. Listening to music can reduce fear. Good song choice: Safe and Sound by Capital Cities. Bad song choice: Serial Killer by Lana Del Rey.||Becoming a threat, yourself. Why be the kidnapee, when you could be the kidnapper? By being a kidnapper, you can combine forces with other kidnappers. Who knows, you might make a lifelong friend.|
Possible projectiles include:
|Avoiding caffeine. It can make you more jumpy and scared.||Embracing caffeine. The more stimulants in your system, the better. “But Annie, meth is bad for your liver.” True, but what is worse for your liver is being dead in a ditch.|
|Hiring a Personal Bodyguard.
Thanks for reading. Stay safe.