Ask Annie #9

By Annie Watson

Anonymous writes:

Christmas break highlights/lowlights?

Hi Anonymous,

‘Twas a roller coaster, so I’ll do some honorable mentions and then the top two.

Honorable Mention Highlights:

  • Trying to solve all my D&D problems with conversational Spanish. I was given a list of spells, but A) I don’t really know how to play D&D, and B) todo el mundo sabe que el español conversacional es la verdadera magia.
  • Getting my hair straightened for the first time. I saw this video (1:10) once when I was 11, and decided straightening irons were entirely too risky, but over break, curiosity and apathy for my hair’s integrity won. Kinda fun and no melting 👌👌

ask annie_1

  • Watching a ton of rom-coms with my mom and dog.
  • Finishing my SRP data collection with no (personal) blood loss.
  • Learning in 1:00 am conversation that “stop, drop, and roll” is for when you’re on fire and not for earthquakes. What killed me is that I never questioned it. I never actively thought “stop, drop, and roll” was for earthquakes, but I was just, so surprised when I found out it wasn’t. It’s like when I learned the truth about those fire-warning elevator circles:

ask annie_2

Turns out they are functionless warning circles. But for 13 years, I thought they were buttons. I was really out here passively assuming there was a “do not press buttons” button. In conclusion, the online publication of my ignorance has likely forfeited my already slim chance of a college admission, but I’m in too deep to hold out now.

 

Honorable Mention Lowlights:

 

  • Getting a sore throat when I thought I thought I was invulnerable to mortal weakness.
  • Carbon monoxide poisoning, though it was honestly quite an experience. My mom’s friend asked if I was drunk. I collapsed on the floor. I laughed at everything for a solid few minutes. The room was spinning. I think I was crying(?) It was kinda wild. Turns out breathing in a small, poorly ventilated room with a space heater, water heater, and furnace, is not fantastic for your oxygen supply.

 

1st Place Highlight: Setting Up the Nativity

Very wholesome. Very Christmassy. It’s my favorite holiday tradition because we’ve got this one unique piece that I feel like most nativity-bearing families don’t have…

ask annie_3

Meet BBJ.

screen shot 2019-01-11 at 7.33.29 am

ask annie_5

BBJ stands for Backup Baby Jesus. He’s at least 30+ years old. We literally have no idea where he came from, or why his hair is the same color as his flesh, but he is most definitely a member of the family. BBJ serves as Baby Jesus’s stunt double, personal assistant, understudy, very fraternal twin, paparazzi decoy, and best friend. Additionally, BBJ is a skilled contortionist, and gets hidden in a lot of different places so he can be found quickly when needed. See the images below, in which BBJ has contorted himself into his favorite hideout, the abdominal cavity of a cow.

1st Place Lowlight: Getting My Organs Jeopardized by Poppin’ Fresh

Don’t bake these ever.

ask annie_8

It’s fine to eat a little raw, cold dough if you’re sad, that’s legal, but don’t bake them ‘cause they’ll mess you up. The cookies don’t bake, they more like congeal. You know the popsicle effect? How a popsicle is the right amount of sweet when it’s icy, but you’d never drink the hot, melted remains because they’re sickeningly sweet? That’s what these cookies are: hot popsicle carcass. They’ve got more sugar than flour, which isn’t a thing in baking. And they’re like genetically engineered or something, so when I was writhing on the floor, these “cookies” actually were alive and kicking. Bad experience. The whole roll is 80 shy of 2,000 calories and only like 50 are worth it, take care of yourself and use that as a BAC-type legal limit. The Pillsbury Doughboy is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a subtly propped up member in a Victorian post-mortem family photograph, one of the 15.6 murderers you’ll walk by in your lifetime (according to this peer reviewed journal), and very likely, the guy who insurance-scammed your grandma. Look at him. “Love it or it’s free” has a palpable drug pushing vibe. You can’t say you’d be comfortable in his presence. The purchase and consumption of (just like a third of) this sugar/oil/chemical log gave my digestive organs blunt force trauma, and you can expect a Law & Order SVU episode starring me as the dead thing in an apartment this fall. You’ve ruined me, Pillsbury Dough Boy, and I’m 95% confident that the first verse of Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift is about you. In conclusion, I hope the palm oil in your veins goes rancid, and that Granmommer, Granpopper, Popper and Bun Bun, Flapjack, Biscuit, and Uncle Rollie perish in a hot car.

 

Overall:

I really enjoyed the break. I also wouldn’t be surprised if someone had put a hit out on me, but like, a cheap one that only gets the amateurs excited. Hope your break was great!

-Annie

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