by Stephanie Finley and Thomas Hochman
In the past few weeks, the debate around the “parking situation” has reached a fever pitch. How should we allocate parking spots to our senior drivers? Who will have the choice spots closest to the main building, and who will be condemned to walking the incomprehensibly longer twenty feet around the corner of the field in the morning?
Much like other major global issues like health care and climate change, the proposal of a new “first-come-first-served” parking system has given way to a great deal of controversy, inevitably establishing itself as a free block talking point for much of the student body.
Since there are few matters more pressing than the senior parking crisis, I’ve taken it upon myself to remedy the situation. And, as clearly there is no agreement on whether we should partake in a free-for-all or lottery-type system, I humbly propose for the OES public consideration the following solutions to our current dilemma.
Note: Should any of these measures offer a solution to our parking ailment, I’d invite New Seasons, Fred Meyer, and any other business with limited parking to institute the solution of their choosing. I offer this to the public, free from charge. It is my aim to alleviate parking injustice to all. That’s just the kind of person I am.
Proposal #1: To organize spots based on an individual’s mile and a half time as clocked by our own Grade Dean, Coleen Davis. Everyone has taken PE in high school, and we have all persevered through running the mile and a half. If you have not run the mile and a half, or if you are not proud of your time, there could be monthly mile and a half runs where you would have the ability to improve your spot and bump some friends from the choice parking spaces. This is a great opportunity for friendly competition with the end result of improved physical fitness for the senior class and happier parking for all. I, Stephanie Finley, am completely unbiased here, but happen to believe that this may be the strongest and most permanent solution around.
Proposal #2: Organized parking by weighted GPA. Let’s face it, senioritis is real, and a great way to impede the ever-more-pressing need to leave class and walk aimlessly around campus until Asha asks you what class you’re in is to allocate parking based on your GPA. A survival of the parking fittest, if you will. Many recent studies have shown a direct correlation between physical activity (like walking the extra twenty steps from the field), better sleep, and improved grades. So the extra walking will reinforce the worthy pursuit of improved academic outcomes in our second semester seniors. Who could be angry about that?
For the GPA despondent and running averse, consider Proposal #3: Coleen Davis, our Senior Grade Dean, has offered to rank seniors according to her liking. From favorite to least favorite, our seniors will be organized and thusly placed in proper order based on their sound character, moral judgement, and revolutions per minute of their topspin forehand.
Proposal #4: Organized parking by a calculation of advisory-snack-bringing percentage. If you’re hitting anywhere below 60% over the last 5 months, you can expect to find yourself relegated to the back corner of the parking area. Homemade baked good receive an automatic 5-place bump up. Baby carrots receive an automatic 5-place bump down. Celery sticks would lead to automatic expulsion. I’d tell you not to get upset with me, I don’t make the rules here, but that happens to be exactly what I’m doing.
Proposal #5: Organized parking by the number of angry emails you’ve sent to anyone at OES about the parking situation. This would be set up in the style of golf scoring, where the lowest number of emails gets the greatest priority around parking. This, I think, should be another runaway favorite.
We humbly submit this offer to our peers in the sincere effort to bring peace, stability, and order to our community. It is only when we live in parking harmony that the lesser of the social ills like poverty, homelessness, and hunger can be addressed.
Thank you for reading and please feel free to let us know if you have any questions or concerns.
Stephanie Finley and Thomas Hochman