Ask Annie #10 – Part One

by Annie Watson

Anonymous writes:

Ways to lose weight?

Hi Anonymous,

You could’ve googled this and found scientifically-backed options, but instead you are here. Welcome. Here are the required background-info readings. And here, without further ado, are some ways to lose weight…

Method: Lacrimation

Description: Cry off that water weight!

Results: Insignificant, but existent.

Legality: A+

Notes: Sometimes crying does solve your problems.


Method: Fluid Substitution

Description: This all natural remedy consists of replacing your blood with water!

Results: If my math is correct (take this with a college-rejection-letter-sized grain of salt), this option would shave approximately 0.44 lbs off your current weight, making it (as of yet) the most effective course of action here.

Legality: D-

Notes: Use new needles. While exsanguination for cosmetic reasons is justifiable, Hep C contraction for economic reasons is not.


Method: Selling Your Soul to Satan

Description: Lifelong, zero-maintenance, ideal body weight in exchange for your eternal freedom. Guaranteed to be the hottest deal you’ll ever make.

Results: Anywhere from damning to damning.

Legality: A(?)

Notes: I take cash only, and it’ll have to be in person. See here for appraisal estimates.


Method: Baby Steps

Description: Go from a fifty piece McNugget to a forty. A gallon of mashed potatoes to a half gallon. All the pockets of your cargo shorts full of refined white sugar to maybe just three.

Results: Significant if continued.

Legality: A+

Notes: Fun fact, money saved through portion control fits perfectly into the Ask Annie Bucket. Who knew?

If, somehow, none of these options seem right for you, stay tuned for a part two 👍

-Annie

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