by Annie Watson
Ways to lose weight?
You could’ve googled this and found scientifically-backed options, but instead you are here. Welcome. Here are the required background-info readings. And here, without further ado, are some ways to lose weight…
Description: Cry off that water weight!
Results: Insignificant, but existent.
Notes: Sometimes crying does solve your problems.
Method: Fluid Substitution
Description: This all natural remedy consists of replacing your blood with water!
Results: If my math is correct (take this with a college-rejection-letter-sized grain of salt), this option would shave approximately 0.44 lbs off your current weight, making it (as of yet) the most effective course of action here.
Notes: Use new needles. While exsanguination for cosmetic reasons is justifiable, Hep C contraction for economic reasons is not.
Method: Selling Your Soul to Satan
Description: Lifelong, zero-maintenance, ideal body weight in exchange for your eternal freedom. Guaranteed to be the hottest deal you’ll ever make.
Method: Baby Steps
Description: Go from a fifty piece McNugget to a forty. A gallon of mashed potatoes to a half gallon. All the pockets of your cargo shorts full of refined white sugar to maybe just three.
Results: Significant if continued.
Notes: Fun fact, money saved through portion control fits perfectly into the Ask Annie Bucket. Who knew?
If, somehow, none of these options seem right for you, stay tuned for a part two 👍