by Emily Ackerman and Julia Neumann
Disclaimer: if you indulge in any of these super helpful tips, do so at your own risk.
1. Look at old homework… and cry
a) Sometimes reviewing past assignments can be helpful to prepare for the final! In this scenario, Billy goes back to his old assignments. But what happens when he starts trying to re-do his old physics problems? He realizes he never actually learned how to do anything from Unit 1. He starts to cry. His tears melt the letters on his page. In fact, he cries so much his entire binder is soggy. He can’t study anymore, without having any more materials to work with. He goes into the final and cries again. The paper falls apart from being so wet, and his teacher excuses him from the final and sends him home with some tissues. All works out in the end!
b) If you want to be extra rambunctious, maybe venture into the test and quizzes category. Spread the love and cry on all your old assignments.
2. Do NOT meet with teachers!!!
a) If you don’t meet with your teachers, you’ll have more time. If you have more time, you can do more things. With your time you could study, but you could also socialize. If you just socialize with friends instead of studying, you’ll be happy and relaxed. If you’re relaxed, you won’t be stressed. If you’re not stressed, you might do better on your finals. If you do better on your finals, well, you might do better in the class. So maybe not meeting with teachers is the way to go!
3. Study for 50 hours in a row
a) Do you have tests in every single subject and you are not prepared because you’ve been playing Poptropica during class time for the past 6 months? Because me too. Wait, no. But if that’s where you’re at, it’s time to get more time. There’s really no hope for m-you. The best chance you have is to buy 30 5-hour energy’s and pull an all-weeker. You can sleep when it’s summer. Study now. Now.
4. Watch Khan Academy
a) This tip might be the most useful. In fact, you probably could have ditched all your classes this year and just subscribed to Khan Academy videos. Maybe you wouldn’t have had as much fun learning the material, maybe you wouldn’t have learned it at all, but you might be able to pass your final if you watch all 50+ videos on the lesson and subject you’re studying for. The videos are typically 10-13 minutes long, and you probably don’t have that much time. Instead, you can turn on every single video for that subject on at once, and you’ll learn everything within that 10-13 minute period! Multiply that by the number of classes you have, and you’re ready!
5. Cram for the test in the two hour lunch period
a) This recommendation is practically handed to you by your teachers. Two hours is all you need to learn a semester’s worth of curriculum. Because technically, if you sum each class into about 5 minutes of INTENSE lectures, you might learn 25% of the material. If you know at least 25% of the material, maybe you’ll make some good guesses on the test for the rest of it, so you are looking at a solid 95% from that! Like magic. So, if you don’t want to start studying now for 50 hours, I would encourage you to watch some of that Netflix, maybe read a few more Dig articles, and then save that stressful studying for the next day!
6. Complain about finals… more!
a) If you keep complaining about finals, studies* show that the idea of finals will be ingrained into your brain therefore increasing your productivity and your motivation. Also, if you complain about your finals to your teachers it might even create a more positive relationship between you and your teachers, and your fellow peers will always support you. Additionally, complaining always makes the situation better and the more you complain and maybe post on Instagram or Snapchat about finals, they are more likely not to exist and to vanish all together!
(*said studies were not actually conducted and data is severely unreliable)
7. Go to a party the night before!!
a) A great way to let stress out before an intense final is to go to a fraternity party with all of your high school friends! 100% safe. 100% legal. It is also a great way to build a trustworthy relationship with your parents!