Ask Annie #10 – Part Two

by Annie Watson

The first ever parte deux of an Ask Annie article. But first, a quick summary of what Ask Annie is (for those unaware/unremembering of it, which is probably everyone because I really fell off the grid last year).

What is Ask Annie?

Ask Annie is the first ever OES Upper School advice column. Since 2017, I have committed to providing only the most factual and realistic counsel to those in search of answers. Questions go in the Ask Annie Bucket (<— this, unfortunately, is the only pic of it I have, taken to document the botanical vandalism for my visit with the PPB). Said bucket will be back outside the Dean Den on Monday Oct. 7th, so be thinking about how you wanna phrase your questions, checks, dilemmas, savings bonds, and/or existential wonderings 👌

If you haven’t read the Part One to this article, I suggest you do so now.

Question recap:

Anonymous writes:

Ways to lose weight?

Dear Anonymous,

It’s been 5 months and 29 days since the Part One to this article came out (a day short of the average Fat-Tailed Dwarf Lemur hibernation). I apologize for the 6 month cliffhanger, and hope you haven’t graduated already 🤞 The only explanation I can give you is that I was quite literally and colloquially tied-up with the Portland teen street fighting tournament last spring, and wrote less due to lack of time and un-concussed cerebral function. Thank you for your patience!

The required background-info readings are gonna be more useful now than in the last article, so brush up if necessary. And here, without further ado, are more ways to lose weight…

Method: Survivalism

Description: Lacking a strong enough resolve to lose weight? Make eating purely for survival again by hopping on down to Maslow’s base-tier: physiological needs.


Increasing the challenge of acquiring food eliminates the choice to overeat. In the wild/greater Portland area, you can eat produce from community gardens, free Costco samples (with a passable membership card), a host of invasive animals, and grocery store fruit for kids (if you crouch/borrow a child). You can also do some light B&E-ing to make ends meet and experience the wonders of indoor plumbing from time to time.

Results: Good, in a sad, has-it-really-come-to-this(?) way.

Legality: D-

Notes: Consider implementing safety tactics from this article while pursuing cosmetic homelessness.

Method: Dating Someone with a Healthy Lifestyle

Description: They know healthy restaurants, at-home recipes, and workout plans. Be aware that this method requires social interaction and the possibility of rejection, which has been known to lead to eating your feelings and watching low-quality Rom Coms past midnight. High-risk, high-reward if you ask me.

Results: A projected weight difference of 5 to 50 lbs (decrease not guaranteed).

Legality: A

Notes: Though he is the ideal choice, Fitness Facility Supervisor, Joel Gray, is both married and out of your league.

Method: The Grimm Diet

Description: Okay so this one’s a little out there, but you basically try to put yourself into an inverse Hansel and Gretel story. This requires loitering outside a Whole Foods in hopes a cannibalistic health-food-witch captures and feeds you only wildly healthy/organic food to get you nice, lean, and grass-fed. If you’re playing it real orthodox, you get to bring a buddy with you. Companionship = weight-loss accountability.

Results: Stark if attained.

Legality: A murky C

Notes: To expedite the getting-kidnapped-by-a-health-food-witch process, try dropping some subtle hints that you’re a good kidnapping target. Ex: “Man wouldn’t it be cool if we could limit overpopulation and carbon emissions from the meat production industry at the same time?”, “Let’s play two truths and a lie! I’ll start: 1) I have few relatives and no dependents, 2) I feel replaceable and unafraid of death, 3) I hate oatmeal raisin cookies.”

Method: DIY

Description: Identify instances in which you make poor food choices, and commit to avoiding them or barring your access to them. See examples below for inspiration:

  1.  I noticed my no. 1 weakness was OES’ oatmeal raisin cookies, and I have thus begun researching crimes that’ll put me on house arrest so I can’t waddle into the Dining Hall and feed on what is, objectively, God’s chosen cookie (citation needed).
  2. I tend to eat more when I feel strong emotions and have thus decided to stop having them. Sub-example: I’ve absolved myself of all guilt regarding a botched B&E during my survivalist-phase. Guilt is not a survival trait, and the family of Mr. and Mrs. Johnson should recognize that.
  3. I noticed that I sugar my corn flakes because they’re better that way. I am now avoiding this by putting radium chloride in the family sugar shaker. Knowing in a more tangible way that sugar is not good for me has helped me cut down my intake. Unexpected perk: my teeth glow in the dark.

Results: Entirely possible.

Legality: D+

Notes: Weave your passions into your life adjustments. Why count calories on an app when you could, instead, intricately scrapbook them? Food for thought.

Thanks for reading!


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