The Cheese Touch Outbreak Plagues OES

Matthew Li

This last week, there was a sudden outbreak of the infamous Cheese Touch. For the safety and concern of the OES community, I did a Kyle Iboshi (KGW Investigative Reporter) style investigation into the current situation revolving around this quickly spreading virus. Before I detail the path of the Touch, a clinical analysis of the virus:

The Cheese Touch was originally contracted by Darren Walsh, a student at Westmore Middle School. What makes the virus stand out from other epidemics is the pattern of transmission. Cheese Touch expert Greg Heffley stated in an interview that “[the] Cheese Touch works like the cooties: you have it until you pass it on to someone else … the only way to protect yourself from the Cheese Touch is by crossing your fingers”. Only one person at a time can contract the virus, making it very difficult to keep track of. 

In our community, I spoke to Alex B., who was contaminated by the Touch on February 7th, 2020, following a family trip to Phoenix, Arizona. During an interaction with Evan H. of OES, Alex B. contracted the virus and proceeded to spread it among students in the community. Yesterday, February 19, 2020, I went on a trip to local restaurant Six Corners with Asa B., Noah W., and Alex B. While sitting inside of the restaurant, during which Asa B. received the virus from Alex B. We then decided that the wait would be too long, so we left the restaurant and headed towards Sesame Donuts, across the street. We decided to walk because the car was parked next to Six Corners and it did not seem like an environmentally conscious decision to start the car and drive it less than 200 ft. away–this would lead to an unnecessary release of C02 into the air, expediting the process of climate change. 

On the way to Sesame Donuts, Asa B. touched me with his hand, transmitting the virus into my central nervous system. Because my fingers were not crossed, the virus had the ability to enter into my body. As our footsteps headed towards the entrance of Sesame Donuts, I saw an opportunity to save myself. I quickly touched an elderly man leaving the donut shop and spouted the words “Cheese Touch”. 

I would now like to formally apologize to the elderly man whom I endangered yesterday:

Dear elderly man exiting Sesame Donuts,

I have stayed up one countless night thinking about what I did to you. Never have I considered myself the type of person to put others at risk, especially a stranger that I have never spoken to. I don’t know much about you, but in the moments we made contact and I uttered the words of the Touch, I saw you open the door for an elderly woman who seemed to be affiliated with you Such an act of kindness indicates great character, and your old age tells me that you have spent many lifetimes accumulating wisdom in this crazy, crazy, crazy world. I have notified authorities–including the Portland Police Dept. and several hospitals in the area–of your condition, and will be putting up fliers as a way to stop the effects of the Touch from wreaking havoc on your life. If you are reading this, stay safe old man. 

Love,

Matthew Li

CALL MATTHEW