NBA Finals: Heat Lose Game 1 (On Purpose)

Wylly Willmott

If you haven’t heard yet, you’re probably living in a (different) bubble, but the NBA Finals kicked off on Wednesday with game 1 of the LA Lakers vs the Miami Heat. 

The potentially great series quickly deteriorated into Laker dominance. What you may not know, however, is that Wednesday’s injury-filled beat-down was completely intentional on the part of Miami for a large array of reasons us ‘Varks have found to be all too obvious. 

Before I get into the conspiracies rationality, I have a new addition to my running list entitled Things I Can’t Do Because of Covid: camp out in the great hall and pester activity-less students for article content. My temporary solution has been to add any OES highschoolers I follow on instagram to my close friends story. Not only does that automatically make you a close friend of mine, but you also get to be spammed with interview questions for my articles! Win-win! So follow my instagram if that’s something you’re interested in @wyllywillmott #ad

Now onto what you actually clicked on this headline for: why Miami purposefully lost game 1.

First of all, the Heat organization found the date of the contest extremely problematic. As Seamus O. ‘21 explains, “the atmospheric pressure that night coupled with the alignment of Venus and Neptune was unsuitable for a basketball game.” Another conflict was the baseball playoffs. Patrick R. ‘22 adds on that “[Miami] prioritized getting to catch the end of the Yankee game.”

Tyler E. ‘22 boils it down to motivation, explaining that “they wanted to get Tyler Herro fired up so he’d go off again,” a reference to the twenty-year-old’s 37-point game in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Speaking of Herro, who overwhelmingly polled as OES’ favorite player in the series, the Pulley siblings had some interesting points to add. Kole P. ‘22 separately noted that “the only basketball teams [he] know[s] are the Blazers and the Patriots,” and that the Florida-based franchise is obviously waiting to be champions until “Herro is 21 so he can have some alcohol when they win.” I’d expect nothing less from such a well-respected organization. How thoughtful of the Heat! #inclusion

Jimmy Butler had his own reasons for throwing the game. As Luke M. ‘21 put it: “The playoffs are too easy for Jimmy Butler. He needs a challenge.” Luke is right. The playoffs have been such a breeze for JB that he started a coffee empire, Big Face Coffee™, out of his bubble hotel room. Ronit M. ‘22 pointed out that Jimmy Buckets needed to spend more time making lattes for the teams. Especially considering the recent emergence of a competitor, “Little Face Coffee,” Butler should really be focusing his energy on the career that offers more long-term security, which is being a barista.

As far as the supposed “injuries” sustained by the Heat, Henry E. ‘22 explains that it was all part of the plan. “Those guys got injured just so Tyler Herro can average 35 a game.” Not to mention it makes room for the NBA’s most dominant big man to shine: AD Lebron Meyers Leonard.

Since even the most casual NBA fans at OES see the logic behind purposely throwing the game, lookout for the Heat to continue with this insanely effective strategy.

On that note #beatLA

… or don’t?

*No Laker fans were consulted in the making of this article.