By Andrew Gewecke
Portland is a blue city. It is a vegan, hipster, weird city. It is a city filled with posters proclaiming that “water is life, science is real and diversity should be celebrated.” It is sometimes a fiercely indignant city. It knows what’s right, and it knows that what’s right is what’s liberal.
January 8th, 2005: Nestled behind two thick maple trees, both radiating with sunken, yet somehow towering branches, stood a perfectly proportioned craftsman house. Its navy blue hue stood out amongst the darkening clouds. The tall, coarse bark snaked its way down from the tree’s peak to its base, where it encountered an expansive stretch of chilled concrete. A contiguous surface, the marbled concrete flowed like a river at its calmest hour. The steep gradient of the hill, where the driveway met the road, made the perfect duo for a disaster waiting to happen. Then, a snowflake, effervescent in nature, raced to the street, and congealed upon contact.
By Spencer Williams
It’s January 25th, 2019, and Portland is in a state of emergency, an old disease’s onset being the catalyst. Costcos, Amazon locker pickup stations, schools, churches, dentist offices, public bathrooms, and the Portland International Airport have all been rendered unsafe (Stanley-Becker). The symptoms begin with a dry mouth, an itchy throat, a strangely orange tongue. Then, the skin breaks out with red spots like flattened pepperoni, and the pepperoni sprouts caviar, and the body bakes what must be a culinary disaster of a food metaphor.
The victims were counted and tallied and herded into hospitals by epidemiologists: confirmed, 21 pepperoni-caviar people, now patients in Portland (Stanley-Becker). Measles. A dead disease, beaten into hibernation by a vaccine that is 97% effective (CDC).
Was Portland unlucky enough to house the remaining 3%?
by Zoe Strothkamp
The dog was visibly traumatized. From her muzzle—open and panting—to her tail—tucked deep between her legs—the signs of fear radiated from her body. Her unfocused eyes, ringed with white, stared like a deer into headlights. Something in this wide room would harm her, she knew. Her sense of impending doom and overwhelming terror, distracting her beyond all other thought, made her freeze, sit, cower in a corner of the room by the door. She noticeably shook, her muscles, ready for flight, contracting a hundred times a second as she waited to run. The reason for her fear? An unfamiliar room.
Find out about your current candidates running for StuCo by reading these statements.
Student Council and Discipline Committee elections are coming — October 5th!!! The available seats are:
By Isabelle Saba
Next week, Community Board is hosting the first big OES event of the school year: Homecoming, on Friday, September 30th with a dance on Saturday, October 1st.
By Jethro Swain
Welcome back, Aardvarks, to another school year. While some of you may just now be starting to get familiar with high school or waking up at 6:30 in the morning, many students have been working since the beginning of August for their respective sports.
by Colin Bock
“But I don’t wanna go on this stupid trip… I’m going to be *expletive* miserable!”